my journey to self-discovery

intensity

2012-01-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

theres 6 more days till the next month. time flies so fast and im just honored and bless to still be standing up on ma feet. a few days ago, ma very close friend facebook inbox me and she told me shes getting married in march. i couldnt be more happier for her. another friend of mine finally has her red passport and im super proud of her for working her ass of for it.

readers, lectures and workshop are getting extremely intense but i have ma mates with me which makes it a little bit endurable and bearable. we have to make videos (and i meant real video with all the expensive heavy load equipments) yes im excited but also scared. we have to pitch an idea to the class for 30 secs only. crazy shit right there. another thing is we have to work with ubdfm for our narrative module (not looking forward for it) its not that i have anything against the radio station but its more on where it is located. i dont want to see the core anymore. its frustrating but fuck it, im just gonna go through it. another module requires us to meet up with a client and create by hand a product for a display installation for the convocation this year. crazy? drove me insane but im excited. i like practical. im not much of a writer..tho i like expressing maself through words and visual. anyways..

how has it been lately? somedays are okey but somedays will always reminds me that i have to be careful, i have to protect maself. i do still cry because im afraid but im trying ma best to not think about it too much till i couldnt focus on work. *sigh* life is tough. ive been distracting maself with work cause theres alot of it. thank god. only Allah knows what im going through. im hoping for the best as always.

its not too late

2012-01-23T07:20:00.000-08:00

i have the worst timing in blogging. readers, i admit that i have been arrogant, self-centered, selfish, so full of maself, whiny and simply annoying. ive always taken things for granted and people for granted and not making the opportunity and situation as a lesson learnt. im so caught up in trying to fullfill ma life long dreams and goals that i forgot how to be modest and honest to maself especially. true fact, i know im not perfect but the vision i have of what i want life to be has blinded me to enjoy and appreciate what Allah has offer me already. honestly, i push him away until i lose ma way for a long time. readers, i regret to inform you that i am indeed stupid and such an embarrassment to maself, ma friends, family and to you.

recently, ive received the most shocking news ive ever received in ma life. took me a while to understand and accept it. i put on a brave face and avoided ma feelings. i deny any emotion that i came across and just assure maself that it could happen to anyone. i made a vow to turn to the creator when 2012 arrived. i made that promise. i was on ma knees everyday praying to be stronger and braver to go through it and to not make me look or feel weak infront of anyone. i guess i am bless. it reminded me that time is really too short to complaint when i can just pick maself up and live ma life to the fullest. i will make it happen some day. i will travel the world and be adventurous. within that, i will find ma happiness. so who cares about the small errors that we'all going through, its just temporary so fuck it. do what you want and do it now.

forget about people hating you, forget about all the people who hurt you, it doesnt have to matter. love is somewhere out there, find it. forgive people that wrong you, smile as much as you can because in the end, it will be sincere. readers, im done being so depress, done caring when others think im not intellectually brilliant, done with making maself feel unworthy of anyone or anything because i know Allah thinks im perfect just as i am. so when you feel like the world is against you, breathe and turn to Allah.

p.s/ i know you might be wondering what change? imagine what one news can do. it changes ma life.

pleading for help

2012-01-08T04:10:00.000-08:00

have you ever felt like you have enough? with everything and everybody around you? this is ma day. im so tired of trying to prove to maself that i can change and that people around me dont matter. i want to feel good about maself so i shut down everyone around me that makes it harder for me to change. its easier when they are your friends or strangers but when it comes to family. its impossible simply because they're still around. they seem to have this ideology and permanent perspectives of me and if i happen to show that attitude, they go like 'here she goes again' or 'she will never change' when clearly i am trying and i have tried. i believe i changed but if your own parents dont see that, whats the point? im 23 years old. i dont need scolding or people telling me how i should act or say when i clearly get it. i do it because i meant it and im dramatic. people dont seem to get it.

i force a smile every single day hoping that it becomes a habit to eventually love maself. have confidence in maself. people have dreams, goals and just things they want to achieve. i have mine. to find happiness. in whatever form. i know life is tough but i know it doesnt have to be, so everyday is a struggle to make a choice that is to be happy. to find even the slightest moments to smile and laugh so that i could repeat and rewind it ma head to end the day with a laugh. inside everything is screaming for freedom. i didnt plan to have this kind of life. i never even plan that far and ofcourse life dont turn out exactly how you wanted it too. you have to adapt. i just dont have the heart to take it anymore. i donno how long but its slowly killing me that i cant seem to see a brighter day.

last of 2011

2011-12-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

i'll probably have mention how i wanted to close this account but it turns out..theres too much memories to just discard it so im gonna keep this blog up and blog as much as i can. so readers, its the last day of 2011 and later on i'll be celebrating the new years eve. not that excited because the event is always the same old thing. im looking forward for a better year. to be bold and making the right decisions. i must remind maself this. i cannot be selfish and arrogant. i gotta be smart in choosing. anyways, this year has been a very scary year for me. i have challenge maself emotionally, mentally, socially and physically. i somehow forgot how vulnerable i can be and one thing ive learnt is that i develop the skill of adapting which is very important. dr kenny point it out for me and i feel proud coming from him.

im thankful to have met niqy and saiful whom help me through out ma internship period and keeping up with ma unstable emotions. looking back at it, i feel like giving them a hug. it aint easy.

im thankful to Allah, for giving me the strength and pushing me through the end.

im thankful to Allah for blessing me with forgiveness (i never thought i have it in me). im glad that i could push aside the things that bothers and anger me of what ma friends and strangers did.

im just super thankful for everything bad and good because i have been bless with the ability to think and see what i say and do before i said and do it. to be able to have that, makes me more cautious with ma everyday action. to be a better me. hopefully i'll keep this up.

as for now, happy new year. have a blast!

courage

2011-11-29T17:32:00.000-08:00

courage. ive been told that i produce such character. what does it even mean? whats the point if you have it but still feel like youre not good enough? the other day ma sista told me that i lack self esteem interms of education. you see..i took risk, too much sometimes because i wanted to learn. i dont want it to stop because theres so much to acknowledge and i dont want to be ignorant like i use to. it doesnt help in any way. courage brought me to where i am today. i challenge maself, Allah have challenge me all ma life and i think basically thats the reason why i never knew what to do or what to think if im not challenge. i have taken alot of different courses regardless of its outcome because i know that i will learn what to do and not to do in the future. ma knowledge is so broad, i get all excited because of knowing so much. however, its still not enough because i must produce good results to finally embrace the risk i took.

ma dad point out to ma sista a few months back that he wanted her to work but instead she took her master and cont studies which i strongly believe is a good decision and he point out how brave i am to have taken an internship following the circumstances of where it might be. ive never work before as i have mentioned but i took it. he was proud that i was willing to go through it just to experience it. i guess in a way i do feel proud that i have it in me to be independent. i have went through so much in life that nothing could really scares me anymore. i know that its a scary road but adapting and taking that step is what courage means to me. which i think alot of people are lack in. its easy to visualize the future on what will happen if you take that step. all you could think about is the worst and you know it'll end badly. but thats you confirming that vision if you dont take a step forward. thats not courage. thats coward. if you set your mind to it, you could do damage. i guess noone really noe what courage means.

even standing and defending yourself is courage. to be able to still stand up after life have knock you down so hard to the ground, thats courage. to still have the smile on you even when things get rough, thats courage. i guess in a way it depends on how people define it. heck, i have mine. everyone have their stories but its upsetting to see how the word courage are being portray in a context that does not apply to them. look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, do you really have courage?

loser

2011-11-22T19:46:00.000-08:00

i have a feeling that i might de-activate this blog very soon. cant keep track with ma life at the moment. after ma internship ends with all what was required to do as well, i found maself absolutely at lost. maybe im so used of doing things, always discovering something new but at this time, ma friends are sitting for the exam, i have no car and i have no money. yes readers i am bankrupt. just me alone. been providing ma sistas that i cant spent on maself anymore :(

speaking of things to do, i have none. i guess i should be thankful that the whole discovery year thing ends and ive learnt alot. that this time i should stay put and be bored. heck, i dont have exams this sem. thats an awesome sign when i could be doing anything i put ma mind to it but thats the thing, theres nothing. :S

i wish someone would push me to do something ive never done before-adventure..volunteer..stuff like that. i can count on ma besties with this one. gosh come home mung&qin. youre torturing me~ :'S

discovery year officially over

2011-11-17T00:48:00.000-08:00

today is officially ma last day of the internship experience. i have done ma report and this morning i presented infront of both our supervisors from ma home faculty and at the employing organization. meet up with the boys a couple of times to discuss and prepare since we were doing it in groups. tiring esp having the only one who really observe and criticize the whole situation but at the end it was worth it. i was nervous. forgot how it felt like to present and for the first time in a long time i felt like a uni student again. thank goodness. strange thing was, i point out some very harsh comment which one of the boys presented..the employees seem to enjoy and took it seriously which i was quiet surprise of..they smiled when i presented and comment..ofcourse..at the end of the presentation..they all like it esp having to suggest ways to improve the core. the 3 of us could be the students that might help the core better..imagine that. such a huge accomplishment. i just hope they take it seriously and make a change.

before going home, we exchange fb names and took alot of pictures with everyone..im so glad its over..felt like celebrating. woohoo:) will look forward for next year, next sem:)

scarred

2011-11-04T20:58:00.001-07:00

*after sometime scratching all the things that i want to say*

honestly i dont noe wat it is. as much as i thought im over it and that it doesnt matter anymore, when i see them so happy together, it scarred it. i cant be happy for them because, he was the reason that i stopped. i hate relationship, commitment and just the word love. it doesnt make sense at all.

a few days ago i look at his image..top to bottom. nothing about him is what i want in a man. hs not even good looking, hs small and cocky. i dont noe why i was into that. but i guess thats the reason why. what ever that means. i tend to get things i dont want and when i realised hs not what i want, i expected to get it but i didnt. its frustrating right?

there were a couple of dudes i met who were interested in me lately but i couldnt even give a second look. i cant do it. its not because im scared but because i dont deserve them. i start thinking negatively about them, how pathetic they are, how not goodlooking they are..i start judging without really knowing them so who am i to deserve them?

seriously, i dont noe when i might not feel this way again. people get hurt and eventually someone will come by and remind them again why they shouldnt give up on love. maybe someday it'll be ma turn right? i just dont think that anyone will stay and fight that long.

whats up

2011-10-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Its been a while. clearly ma internship is over. cant believe i shed tears just a little bit after departing from the boys. they were teary as well. i guess i have made a good impact on them :)

been occupied by ma report and preparing for presentation. thank goodness ma report is done. am suppose to submit today which i will later, im just waiting for the next available car. yes thats right ma car is still at the workshop. its almost fully fix. hurry up dammit. i feel imprison at home sometimes.

to be honest, im a little scared to hand in ma report. i work hard hard on it. 2 full days with no time to eat and sleep. im serious. i pour ma heart and soul into that work. hopefully it'll paid off. surprisingly, it was hard to write again. i seem to have lost ma vocabulary. damn. beside that, ive been eating alot, downloading ALOT of new and old series. buying dvds as well. it sounds so lazy but thats what ive been up to.

have no clue what ma friends are up to now adays. wish them all the best in everything. o recently they've been alot of chaos happening/happened. accidents, people died, suicidal etc..whats happening to Brunei? its terrifying.

self discovery

2011-10-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

luckily i was informed that ma last day will be on Thursday and not Saturday. im super psyche about it but theres 2 days left not including today which is on Tuesday. (im not even sure why im jotting all this days down). theres alot of things that happened within this week and its super overwhelming and at the same time it gets ma adrenaline pumping up. it could be a good thing. it makes me feel productive and useful.

i got maself into an accident yesterday during lunch hour. i was on ma way home and was still at ma uni campus. traffic jam was massive and for the first time i drove slow and careful and thats when i got hit. ironic huh? it happens. everything happen so fast and recalling the event is pretty much impossible. i was shaking and confused. you could tell from ma face. it was on an open road, ma past flashes before me and it traumatized me again. called out ma boys and niq ran from the girls hostel to where i was. flattering. saiful and his friend drove to the scene and accompanied me. i couldnt thank them enough for the emotional support. i cant help but to blame maself for the accident because i think i should have break earlier but i wasnt going too fast or slow so maybe it was ma fault. ma car is a wreck. super terrible to look at and im super angry, disappointed and upset with maself. im just hoping it'll wear off sooner cause i cant take the guilt any longer. emotionally im so unstable. i have bruises at places but it's getting better. thank goodness. you know whats funny? the first thing i thought about when the whole thing was happening was not ma life but the car. stupid? probably but it cost alot to fix especially the other 2 cars that was involved. i'll be dammed.

moving on, recently two of ma dearest friend lost one of their parents. i feel devastated and at lost as well because i couldnt imagine what they must have gone through. i hoped that things will be better for them and their family. it tears me inside out. i love you gurls and ma prayers with you always. :'(

work? i saw one ma favourite girl. diyanah. during the 25th ubd anv. i was invited. so excited but i think we were too excited that things dont make sense at that moment. everything we did and say was hilarious and make no sense at all but, regardless she always makes me happy. we had a 4 hours conversation till 3am in the morning. i love her to death.

taking into account all the things i went through here, all the ups and down. it seems worth it. ive been blind by ma own emotions that i forgot that this experience is ma first time. i was just scared like a baby. feeling vulnerable at times which is normal for everyone. two days left and 3 months of this torture is more of a lesson learnt and i appreciate what Allah has given me because he knows best. it was definitely a journey to self discovery. who would have thought i could have the opportunity to be exposed to working experience, to ppl ive never met, being on ma own, meeting ppl i never thought i could learn to adore etc etc etc. its been a blast. speaking of the task at hand, that i couldnt argue anymore because maybe that wasnt what i was suppose to look at, to experience and observe. looking at it at a much bigger picture, it was one hell of a ride. not that im asking to go through it again. LOL. overall, im glad to have gone through it. i survived.

we're done with our handbook even all the little things that needs to be done is DONE. im super glad. alhamdulilah. people in the office are nice people, grew to sorta like them which is rare to me but the employees outside, i still feel like burning their throats with fire crackers and laugh while doing it. Allah, forgive me! :S they made me think the worst. thats why i kept ma distance. the best solution yet. this shit happens. kept reminding maself that i cant always satisfy everybody.

im off now, next time it is:) alhamdulilah im still alive. Thankyou Allah:')

count down

2011-10-09T06:23:00.000-07:00

i have a 3000 to 5000 words of report due a week after ma internship program ends. super excited because theres 2 more weeks left, scary because the due date is not that far from now and a little sad and im gonna emphasize on that word A LITTLE sad..only..the fact that i wont be working with ma boys anymore. im sure i'll see them around and im sure we'll still be friends but the things we do/did together that makes it harder to just leave it as memories. i cant begin to describe or explain to anyone all the stupid things we did and why we do it. i can always count on them for that.

im hoping i wont cry on ma last day. however, if i happen to cry, it will only be because of the boys and nothing else.

hey bestfriend, remember me?

2011-10-05T04:42:00.000-07:00

everybody knows who you are and who you followed. you're never a part of the group or any kind of group but i took you in. i brought you to ma home. meet ma family and ma friends. everyone know who you are after that. i saw how little you were. short, pale and thin and i saw the steps you took everyday without support and it makes me wonder how you could walk each day without anyone to hold you. we became family. thats how much i care for you.

later in life, as i grew older, you ditched me. it was upsetting but it wasnt a big deal to me because i knew you and you wanted more attention, you wanted to be part of the wealthy people. sorry i wasnt wealthy enough for you. everyone knew what you did to me but i forgave you. we fell apart. before graduating high school, we became best friends again. somehow the past just stayed there. we start a new. i shared all ma darkest secrets, ma life, ma pain and ma happiness with you. we were bombarded with a bunch of roller coasters along the way but nothing could ever separate us and that was how much you used to care.

college was tough. you started to date. i meant DATESSS! i let you go even if it hurts to see what youve become. you left me when i needed you the most. you lied to me by telling me you were busy when you were actually hanging out with your new friends. you came to me when you ONly needed me about your family problem or your boyfriends problem. i forgave you with just a blink of an eye. i constantly see right through you but i still forgave you after that. i treat you like ma sista. i loved you with all ma heart. i accepted who you are as a person regardless of your flaws when everyone walk away from you. i only see you twice a month sometimes tops. mostly i was making new friends and trying to heal maself. i was alone.

you didnt get to university when i did. i was happy. you werent happy for me. i see right through you. i made some amazing new friends who never take me for granted. you got in the following year. you were always upset the fact that im taking ma degree when youre still taking your diploma. you hated your dad for comparing us. i constantly encourage you to not look down on yourself. i told you to take one step at the time because in the end you will reach there as long as you wont give up. you took ma words and went with it. i was proud of you. i hardly see you because eventho we're apart, we always miss each other.

im on ma 3rd year of university today. you came to me when you needed me and forgets about me when youre happy. i thought we promise each other to share everything. i thought we swear to each other that what ever happen, we will always be bestfriends. i guess you change your mind. i took care of you, watch you when your boyfriend asked me to take care of you while he is studying in UK. i promise him but i guess theres no point. you disappoint me all the time, hurt me all the time, i always forgave you but now i realized that its too much to bear. youve lost the most important thing i had when i profusely asked you to handle it with care. how dare you? you expect me to forgive you now? ive never ask anything from you. why take me for granted? you've hurt me enough.

though i would take this opportunity to thank you for opening ma eyes and going through that tough road with me. i wouldnt have done it without you. you didnt do anything but just being right beside me was enough. we've grown apart now and i am certain that nothing could ever bind us back. goodbye bestfriend.

youre Not the victim

2011-10-04T06:32:00.001-07:00

thought it was stupid at first. didnt know if it ever will make sense but the more i thought about it. i used to badly want that life. i wanted to be free, tired of all the rules and i just wanted to break free but after getting ma head straight, i balance it. im not asking you to be like me or anyone of us but asking you to study is all we ever ask you to do. all we ever wanted from you. to get good grades cause in the end, its for you and not for us. we're just looking out for you. i thought you wanted that. i thought you desire being wanted by your own flesh in blood. i thought you waited for this. when we gave you this, you took us for granted. theres no point in making yourself as a victim because youre not. its time to grow up and learn sometimes in life its never fair and you cant always get what you want. plus there will be in some point in our lives that we have to sacrifice in the name of our family because they comes first even if they treat you like shit sometimes but thats life. thats how its suppose to be.

i used to rebel, i cut ma hair, dye it, ive been through that darkest road, being alone, lost and not knowing where i should go. i turn to god, ma prayers are never answer when i wanted it too. all this i thank god for making me stronger than ive been before. all of those experience ive went through, its for you to learn from and not make the same mistake and learn it the hard way. you will always regret it at the end. i know you! you will regret it and at the end of the day you BLAME us. whats the point? what is it you want? after all our parents have done for us? you curse at them and wish they disappear? why? they have given you everything you wanted even when all of us disagree and you dont call that love? why not? all the things he have advice us to talk to you. how could you not thank and appreciate him? it doesnt make sense.

i dont care if you dont want to trust me anymore. i dont want to be responsible for your being when something happens. so who should i turn to if something does? if im the only one who knows? what am i suppose to say? what am i suppose to do? why brought that burden on ma shoulder? you didnt say it was a secret to keep. beside, incase you didnt know you change! cant talk to you like i use to anymore. if you think youre the victim, think again! theres no point in lying. tell the truth cause i will not be helping you to lie anymore. im done seeing what youve become. friends are not everything esp those strangers youre trying to impress. i get that they could be your bestfriends and future friends forever but going out all the time? not having enough studying time and distracted? thats not the way. when will you ever gonna realize that we're not scared or feel guilty that youre angry or upset but we feel sorry for you because youre such a child.

when will you ever grow up and blame yourself for your own actions?

trust issues

2011-10-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

having trust issues is very troublesome. i never really realize i had it until ma elder sister point it out. its somewhat true and im not really sure why and how so by blogging this post im hoping i might find ma answer.

i love making new friends. its a way of having to be a new person to somebody else. you cant really say im not being who i am, its just that its a way of discovering a whole different sides of you. it used to be so easy but people started to disappoint you, back stabbed you and one day pretended you dont exist after sharing a very secretive thing about you. whats the deal? i hate being lie to. im not saying ive never lie before. i dont normally do it because theres no point in lying. i cant seem to make people understand what im about. ive always have this fear of being not good enough. weakness? yes. ive always wanted to make people around me whom i love to make me feel like im enough and when i feel like i disappoint them, it cuts like a knife. letting people in ma life means they will surely be disappointed when they find out ma flaws. i cant overcome it, i need help obviously but thats the main reason why im so afraid of letting people in. i cant trust them enough to stay as long as i want them too.

im not trying to be perfect but i have to admit i can be very bitchy, im arrogant because probably i wanted people to stop staring at me or dont even try making friends with me just so they wont be disappointed. insecure? ma attitude yes. changing is difficult. been trying since reality hit me but ya noe old habit die really damn slow. i hardly smile. its one of the hardest gift to give. i probably might give someone or people a smile if life is great and one day i might decide to share ma happiness but at the time being, screw this shit, i aint smiling for no reason. i just gotta have a reason to do it. sue me.

all and all, having trust issues doesnt mean that noone is worth your trust. i have a group of people whom i truly love, adore and not completely trust but i let them in and in a process of understanding ths people, there are some days they hurt me and disappointed me but people are bound to hurt you at some point. if you dont let people in, dont expect people to understand and trust you in return when you cant even try. hypocrite am i right? how can you not trust someone whose been there for you through your roller coaster when everyone left? how could you expect to be respected in return? how could you dare ask for an apology when its not yours to receive? and how could you expect someone like you deserve that kinda friendship? its absurd!

im slowly opening up very slowly. im still scared and people really should know how i dont give out ma trust easily but at the same i should try too. it works both ways otherwise, what am i expecting? if they dare betray me, thats when i will make them regret it. at the moment, stop pushing people away from you. theres so much to learn from everybody even if its just a little bit. im just saying, life is too short to not learn.

buddies

2011-09-29T04:24:00.000-07:00

i had a fight with this guy 3 days ago. its specific but you'll get to understand why i remember it. as you should have known by now, i have a little bit of a trust issue when it comes to boys, men and just the existence of them. i love them, cant leave without them but its just hard to trust what they say as being the truth. im sick of being lied to and watch people i love get lied to. its unacceptable. having this internship experience gave me absolutely no choice but to be friended with this only two guys who are from the same uni as i am so i let them in. truly appreciate them somehow. lately, the job at hand were very stressful because there werent alot given. so the 3 of us have to fight over it. we all want to succeed, we all wanted to have good assessment. ofcourse i couldnt argue if some of us end up being stupidly selfish. i too can but because things got out of hand, i decided to share this experience with them. hate being generous sometimes but i cant help it though.

i mentioned to one of the guys that its unfair that most of the time, our boss tend to call out his name and pick him to assist her. i felt left out especially being the only one without things to do sometimes. i dont want to look useless because it will remind me of when i felt useless back in the days. it was ma darkest days and i refused to be reminded of it. so it upset him when i told him that because he felt like as if im blaming him because he have things to do. im sorry that if it sounds like i was attacking him but it wasnt at all. i wanted to point out that its okey to share and that all of us are struggling to succeed. hs not alone. he likes to push me to do things quickly and do it hs way because he thought its the right and only way. which for me was really stupid. i dont understand why ths people at ma work are so narrow minded. i cant really point out if theyre being stupid because it might look like as if im smarter than them and i have no intention of hurting anyone. i just want to respect them as co-workers and in turn they will respect me. same goes to both ma colleagues.

i got a little bit upset at him for pushing me so hard. i might be slow at catching things, doing things but hey, its ma first time. i know its a lame excuse but im trying everyday..to find things to do, to be useful and productive and to not make maself look wasted. he noticed that i treated him like trash cause i hate people messing with me. i wont give a damn about it. 2 days we didnt talk normally but i confronted him saying that im not stupid that i obviously can see that theres something bothering him. so he told me that he felt left out when i was with the other dude. he felt like hs not part of me. i felt the guilt. i apologized for giving him the idea that i was resenting him. i was mad but at the same time, i truly believe that we could be a long time friend. as well as the other otherwise i wont even look at him in the eyes again and pretend he wasnt there. but because somehow both of them grew on me, i adore them from the bottom of ma heart and i learnt to trust men as a whole again. thanks to both of them. cant help but to care enough to fight for them to stay.

am i doing the right thing? from ma opinion, i am. im glad that we're slowly learning about each others past and who we are as a person today.

lately..

2011-09-24T02:48:00.000-07:00

to start of, ive been super busy lately. life has been a complete mess. the working experience is somewhat much better because i have found ways to entertain maself if theres no job given so, so far its been good. having people to compliment you sometimes feels kinda good :) ive met alot of random international students. they were extremely friendly. what i truly like about them is the fact that it was easier to talk to them because they understand English. people at ma work have a bit of difficulties in it but you cant never challenge their malay. its pretty awesome. i learnt a thing or two. very proud of maself.

i got the opportunity to talk to some of the workers, they turn out to be not so bad but some are just best to walk away from. i hate old bold people flirting with me. its inappropriate and embarrassing especially the fact that hs old and he was suppose to show us good example and heck, hs married and have alot of kids already. how discussing is that? puan finally knew about it, i sorta blurt it out infront of ma boys but i didnt explain further because i think its better that i take care of it on ma own. beside, i can handle and take care of maself. someday, he'll regret it for being such an ass.

speaking of work, everyday theres events going on at the core or at UBD which we were forced to be part of. its a good experience. i like it all so far because ive went through it with the boys whose always by ma side teasing me and making fun of me, they are superb. :)

o both ma brothers are home. once again the family are back. i felt a bit whole. ma 2nd brotha brought his girlfriend from aussie and shes staying with us for a week before going back. shes Chinese thailand. very pretty and funny. shes so tiny and shes just hilarious. i like her already. i should thank the wedding ceremony because it gave us time to bond. all us sisters. been helping cousins wrapping gifts and distributing it. a week of this on and on. i was suppose to sleep and enjoy ma friday and sunday unfortunately, i cant. tomorrow is the wedding day. finally last one. i had fun so far. it was time to bond with the cousins. they are not so bad after all.

bitter old me

2011-09-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

every now and thn, there are moments when i would sit and see ma own reflection. what ive said and what ive done. i cant seem to figure out why im so bitter. i dont think i have understood maself well enough to say that i have found me. i dont even believe that im ever found. ive been so lost for too long and trying to recreate maself is not happening at all. there is always something about me that everyone cant seem to be satisfied about. i told maself that pleasing others will only make me miserable. i stopped caring a long time ago. recently, it got me thinking, maybe i should change AGAIN. maybe i should stop being proud to be strong, should stop not being friendly and just try to live a little. happier because from what i noticed, when im being friendly, im more happier, i live like its ma last day. i hated the fact that some people think i dont change but maybe i havent. maybe they are right.

ive been so caught up trying to be the best i can be that i forgot that im so unhappy. im always upset. most of ma days.

what i want to be when i grow up? HAPPY!

alone in a crowded room

2011-09-14T04:25:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt so alone when theres alot of people around you especially people you know? i end up crying at the end of ma work day today. there were hari raya celebration at our faculty which were fun for me esp having to see ma gurls again. after we have another raya celebration at the new building. who gives up FREE sushi and london kebab? UBD! i was excited and i had a great time hanging out with the boys. they didnt even leave ma side. though i felt so lonely. i shouldnt feel this way but i cant really explain why i am feeling this way. since i was a kid i always have people around me, fighting over who wants to be ma bestfriends, people either wanted to be ma friend or be me. which im so proud of wait rephrase that, im flattered. theres always people to talk and tease and chit chat with. im never alone. when im alone and when i want to be left alone, its impossible because i just couldnt be left alone. i seem to have that many friends. i love them all. old new and whomever.

for the first time this sem, i felt so out of place that even ma sista thought that i might have a bipolar disorder. its a serious disease if you noe what i mean. usually i volunteer to be left alone and i enjoyed it. today, the boys clicks were everywhere at that time when everyone was there, coincidentally, mine was not. there were a couple of them but it wasnt those i could be crazy with. i smiled and laugh and was included in a conversation of random people but still i think im missing familiar faces. i cant simply adapt to things that i noe wont last very long.

though yesterday was strange for me, everyone of the workers seem friendly and more approachable. they make jokes and laugh with me. i was surprised to say the least because i have already have this image and assumption of ths people and i told maself nothing would ever change that but eventually, they changed and so i smiled and go along with it. strange. maybe i should start forgiving and not shut people out of ma life because i should learn to trust again. im not sure why i couldnt. -__-"

hell on earth

2011-09-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

its been 2 days tops. its just me and saiful at work. niq is sick. badly. it was sweet of him to even take the time to message me and apologize for not coming in. couldnt help but to worry about him. though it gave saiful and i more time to bond. its fascinating to hear and imagine his experience and perspectives of life.

aside from that, i wanted to talk about the people working here. maybe i might sound a bit sensitive or just harsh but this is what i feel. i start of smiling and laughing at their jokes on ma first day of work. soon after everybody here are scared to look at me in the eyes. listen i have nothing to do with it. it felt like they have said something to each other about me that might have triggered their assumption of me. more on a negative note. somehow everyone decided to not be friendly anymore. together. they think im pretty stupid huh to not notice that. ma colleagues feels the same way too. you should have look at how they stare and whisper to each other when the 3 of us are around. i got it worst because im the new girl. the new intern.

they are fucking idiots to judge people like that. most of the workers are young and have absolutely nothing to do. i spent most of ma time observing ths people silently. most of them sits around at the common area of each tower chit chatting. i dont even have any task given so i observed. i just prefer if they have problems with me to say it to ma face and not behind me because it seems so childish and unprofessional to treat people like this. i felt like im more mature than they are. ridiculous. they should be fired as far as i know but i mean thankgoodness less than 6 weeks left. than im out of here. goodbye HELL!

whats going on

2011-09-09T02:03:00.000-07:00

how long has it been? ive been busy now a days. some days i felt down and somedays i felt great. yesterday was just weird. i was out of place. ma head, ma heart and just everything about me was super confusing. i wasnt sure where to stand, what to feel and how to stand on ma own. again im so used of having people around me that i forgot how it feels like to be on ma own. i realized at the end of the day that i will be fine, people just have to remind me that i can. i cant help being totally upset with the boys especially the fact that every where they turn, their clicks were there and i dont know ths people and im not the most friendly person i know so i walk away. its not that i dont want to, its just i cant. i was scared. i was vulnerable and shy which i never thought such character exist in me but it does. i felt lost so i kinda threw it at them.

for ths couple of days the boys and i were busy rearranging and organizing all the convocations stuff for the graduates. it keeps us busy which i totally like. i dont understand why and how people cannot see how much i hate being bored. im so used of doing assignments every week, always occupied and stress which ofcourse everyone hates but it benefit me to be productive and keeps ma mental ability intact. i dont have to feel so hopeless and useless. im so eager to learn about everything and im scared that what if there wont be enough time to learn it all so i dont like wasting ma time not learning. most of the mornings, i just spent watching a japanese cartoon series 'higepiyo' niq gave it to me. its hilarious but at the same time i hate letting people see that thats what i do at work. i'll be super hyper and excited if theres work to do. people and i mean ma colleagues complaint about it but i have no effin clue why they should.

we've been travelling around campus for ths pass weeks for the task of the convocation. i think ive used alot of petrol of ma car sending the boys as well here and there. i sorta enjoyed it. its a time to bond. we went out to get pizza a few days back. they couldnt stop making me laugh. i dont normally trust boys to noe ma story and to understand me. i could simply walk away but they wanted to know, they are so curious and i let them in because i felt like i could trust them and also because they earn it. there are things they said and did that impressed me and make me feel like im wanted. they told me that i was the only one they ever felt close to their entire lives and that i guess we've had that heart to heart conversation yesterday afternoon. get to noe both of them so much better. couldnt help but to apologize for being a bitch that morning. ofcourse i explained. simply surprising how they reacted.

aside being bored, having alot to do at some point and meeting alot of people at the same time, ive learnt ways to handle a difficult situation. will not go on that but hm..there was that day when one of the boys protected me from ths bunch of jack ass who was looking at me and making that disgusting sound like as in flirting with me. ofcourse i didnt know anything about it, but one of ma boys wanted to bit the hell out of them cause he thought it was no way to treat a lady and hs tiny and i could have taken care of maself but beside being insulted by those strangers, he curse at them for me which i thought was pretty brave and sweet...what was sweeter was yesterday. i was looking at this amazing looking painting sticking on the wall just inside the new building. it was at the corner and isolated but it caught ma eyes. while everyone was focusing on other paintings that was located in the middle of the building, i just looked at it. by maself. admiring the way the color blend and make things look wonderful. when i turn around there were men, boys..all of them photographers taking ma pictures looking at the huge painting. one stand out, he was wearing white tshirt with his camera, instead of clicking it, when he caught ma eyes, he let down his camera immediately and smile at me and he was at the back alone. ofcourse i smile back. a moment of defeat. LOLanyways, it was late yesterday afternoon, the weather was gloomy and dark, the boys wanted me to sent them to the girls hostels so i was wearing heels. it was raining just a little bit. by the time we gone out from the chancellor hall, the rain came down so heavily, i ran bare footed to ma car that i parked at the huge parking lot. so both the boys and i ran like crazy while laughing. it was fun. i like being under the rain. noone could hear ma cries.

hey gangsta

2011-08-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

berhenti berharap

update- being an intern

2011-08-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

im at work right at this moment. i was early as usual but the boys came probably 30mins late so i stayed on ma sit with the aircon blowing in ma eyes for far too long. it feels like snowing but regardless. i wanted to blog yesterday since it was ma last day being that age (no i will not reveal ma age). remembering ma age reminds me of ma past so im not so fond of telling people ma age. yes im thankful though that im still alive, still breathing and im getting wiser. thankgoodness.

to be honest, ma birthday has always been just another day for me. normal and boring but this year seems different. ma lil sister out of a sudden point out that im happier to admit that today is ma birthday. ma other sista told me that probably ive never enjoy it so much was because, ive always have something on ma mind for instance assignments, not getting over ma past and stuff so i never really like birthdays. honestly, i love cakes and presents and people greeting me. i feel love but im also not fond of it because it reminds me that im older than the rest of ma friends which is not ma fav thing in the world.

so far its 11.48am. have not been given any task since i came to work. im bored as hell cause i really prefer working than to sit around doing absolutely nothing. speaking of work, i changed ma mind, the more i thought about it, it had nothing to do with ma major. yes im communicating and designing but its only for one task that i have done probably days ago. im a bit disappointed because all the photographs, blogging, coming up with all this theories, analyzing how people talk, why they speak the way they do, just all the things that i learn in class, i cannot put it into practice because its not needed. so basically, why am i here? what am i doing? if one day ma lecturer ask me to tell him what i learnt, what should i say?

on a personal base, i learnt alot. more like all the things i have mentioned. you know about teamwork and stuff. just for ma own good but really. to be serious, ma major and this work dont connect. i feel the hate right now. dont get me wrong i still love working with the boys but just that i have nothing to be proud of YET!

intern intern intern

2011-08-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

its ma 3rd week of being an intern.

surprisingly, things did turned around. we have some sort of a project to finish due next week. its a group project. designing a handbook and a manual procedure of the organization. guess i couldnt do it all as much as i want to. the boys are designing while im doing the content. its crazy that somehow along the way, everything is related to ma major. i should have waited a little longer before i complaint. its ma first job ever and this organization will never be ma future job so why not just enjoy the time i have with this place and this people. still not fond of the staff people though. i have ma reasons but ma colleague are both pretty awesome people. its good having people to actually listen and not be scared of you.

i have learnt so much for the past weeks and im hoping along the way, im going to grow mentally more. im getting comfortable now which is a good sign cause i can work better. at the end of ma internship program, i will blog a little longer and a more meaningful post. for now, wish me luck to survive.

being an intern

2011-08-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

its the end of ma 1st week of internship at the core. i cannot begin to explain, describe or express how i feel and how i see things. all positive and negative. ma 1st day was nerve wrecking. i was terrified and confused but i got through it. 2nd day was terrible, ive never felt so beat down like that. ma 3rd day which was this morning was emotionally involved. it turned out okey and fun but i miss being familiar with ma surrounding including ma gurls. all ma life ive never really have a problem to depend on only me and for the first time in ma life i have ths amazing people around me who are always by ma side without a doubt and ive learnt to depend on them for once in ma life. it feels good. i mean im not saying i cannot be independent but just this once i want to feel like someone can protect me other than having to be strong on ma own all the time.

being an intern is definitely hard. not the task cause that i could do it in ma sleep but just people, everyone. its so different. they are older than me and i have to respect and not show me as a person cause that side is crazy. i dont believe that they will tolerate such behavior so i did what i should. i kept maself as a professional, do ma work and laugh when i should. looking at maself that way is hideous but i have to do what i got to do. i miss being who i am and miss being around people who knew me. what makes it so hard is because i know who i am and i went through hell to figure that out and when im finally done figuring, i have to re-adjust and change that attitude to someone im not again. its frustrating.

overall, i hate ma job. its not challenging and i felt like im wasting ma time. ma colleagues feels the same way too. they are art majored and we might have design an advert but thats it. it has nothing to do with our major after that task. i feel hopeless. im hoping it will turn around at some point. about ma colleagues, those boys are worth knowing :)

you'll be okey

2011-07-30T23:09:00.001-07:00

im suppose to be happy. suppose to feel glad that it didnt work out but im not. not nearly. shocking yes that it didnt last but its not their fault. what hurts the most is that he was willing to let down his guard, his pride, ego and let it just go. the worst part is that, she is that important to him that he shed those tears. clearly you can see the things i could never have. i feel like snape and how he feels for lily? in harry potter. im snape. is it possible to die cause of broken heart? if it is, i probably be dead by now.

knowing the pain and frustration hes going through and having to share it with people whom are amongst ma clicks, im not included by the way. i get that, its awkward and just wrong. if i were in their position, i wont tell me! honestly, i feel sad for him. it wouldnt be ma business if its not for him but clearly again, as much as i hate the things he didnt do, i cant hate him. i still do care. i hate when i feel that way but its the truth. i would never wish for him to feel what i felt. all the important things i wanted to say was bottled up inside last night but since it was late, i couldnt blog. now it seems unnecessary. i feel sad for him to have to go through that agony cause i was there, he made me that way. why feel sorry for him? because he was the center of ma universe. i just simply melted away knowing hs hurting. imma pathetic loser. i get it!

still have ma humanity after all ths years. who knew?! im not as cold hearted as i thought i was. you know what is more pathetic? i prayed for him to feel better, to hold on, hoping god will hear me and help him. stupid? i feel stupid! whatever it is, in time i know it will heal and in time, i hope i could open ma door again but get this, i dont think its possible for me to love the way i did again.

are you out there?

2011-07-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

i remember swearing and promising to never feel the same way for any guy anymore. at that moment i might not be in ma best position to comment but i did anyway. simply because ma heart said never again. ive been seeing him alot lately. he came up suddenly from nowhere, i was shocked because he got thinner and more mature. im not suppose to see this things but i saw it. i used to really cared about him and letting him slide from ma life just like that was the hardest thing i have ever done. just when i thought that someone is worth it. i was wrong. so sue me for still noticing.

why suddenly? ma sistas and i were having an intense discussions and arguments about love as a whole. both ma sistas cant wait for love, they make an effort to try to find them. even if he's not the one, probably jerks, they rather go through it than to not take a chance at all. on the other hand, i refused to waste ma time on someone i dont think will work with me but thats just me assuming and predicting what will happen. now i dont really noe if im right but i felt like its wrong to lead someone on knowing that nothing will ever happen so i cut them off. yes yes you'll never noe unless you try but thats the thing, after HIM, i dont think anyone is worth it as much as he was. which is really hard..i guess in someway, i wanted closure. im not exactly sure what that is..

if you feel like that guy means everything to you and for the first time you felt someone is worth it enough and after knowing you meant absolutely nothing to him. immediately, you feel unworthy for anyone. like you aint good enough for yourself or everyone. thats the worst part of it. how can you recover? i think thats what prevent me from moving on. i feel unworthy. i got a little scared that what if one day i found ma match and what if one day he find ma flaws. would he still love me? would i still be enough? would he leave? that sorta situations and questions left me unprepared and paranoid so i believe these are the reasons why i dont even want to try anymore. yes i might have crushes and random people coming up, flirting their asses off, thats normal but responding to ths people does not mean im interested. i shut them off.

do i believe in love? i want to. do i believe in relationship? i guess but its a fact that it will never last as long as you want them too but i hope in time, i will find ma closure and recover because from what i heard, love is a beautiful thing. do i want to miss it by dwelling in ma broken heart? no! i want to feel it but im not going to try to find it, i will let it find me.

faculty orientation- freshies

2011-07-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

its 11.24pm. i slept the whole afternoon because ma head felt like it was filled with a bunch of fireworks ready to explode. it was probably 7pm that i was much more sane and recharged.

what happened was, some friends and i volunteered for the freshers week the second time. thought i couldnt make it but it turns out, i was not busy after all in morning. woke up early and went without breakfast. thanx to qidah for the karipap. i wont be able to move fast or ran as fast as i could without that fuel. thanx a bunch. there were 200+ students of fass this year. hard to control and manage. spontaneous task were given but i had a blast.

its not possible to describe as much as i want to about the whole events and activities though i thought it was kinda hilarious. having a bunch of people chasing you and attack you during that game was just beyond crazy. thank goodness i ran fast. aside from that, it was worth it :)

something to think about

2011-07-22T03:44:00.000-07:00

brought ma family out to watch harry potter 3 days ago. did not disappoint at all. i think ive heard people sniffing because some part were worth the tears. if youre a fan, you will definitely get what im saying.

have exactly 8 more days counting for ma internship. i know its pathetic to count but im nervous you know. ive never work before and its exciting but at the same time its nerve wrecking. speaking of internship and school. i wanted to take this opportunity to congratulate ma friend- nurul for the acceptance to go back to school. shes been a great friend, whom decided not to judge me or to question why im who i am which is rarely to come by so shes always pushing me to believe the possibilities of a brighter day and im just so happy to see her finally happy..so gurl if youre reading this, you deserve every bit of it and may we all succeed. *hugs you*

i noe this is random but i went out with mum and sistas to buy baju raya stuff..all the little things we need. so i hate sales people...they follow you closely maybe too close and ease drop our conversation. watsup with that? i mean..yo..i need space to breathe and i dont need people like you lurking in ma personal space looking at me like a hawk. i felt like she thought i was gonna steal. thats just insulting. its cramping ma style.

another thing that bugs me is slow drivers. god forsaken this people. there i was in ma best behavior, minding ma own business. they look around as if theres no car behind. some of them text messaging, some talking, some just decided to not signal when they want to go to some other freaking path. o even worst some just want to park at the side of the road for no apparent reason. how stupid are they? seriously? dont ths people noe how silly they look. how silly it makes me look? i cant help but to feel in rage...i wanted to kick their balls and say "yo bitch...go home and sleep". the only thing that was stopping me from doing and saying it was because i usually have passengers so i let it go cause i fucking wont give a rat ass if i was alone. i aint scared. this people should really watch out. im serious. its ridiculous.

anyways moving on, beside being a fulltime driver..ive been youtubing alot. this guy tenchijk. you should definitely watch his videos. he talks just about anything and everything. its educational and useful for you in a long run. he made you wonder about all the things that you never thought to wonder about. he is funny and asian haha..hes a halfa of japanese and korean. very good english as well. worth your time believe me. he always talks about the media and its influence. since im majoring in media..it helps. beside him, its shaun evaristo, choreographer. hes the dude that inspired me to blog about life..you should browse through ma previous previous post to catch that one. he is basically ma fav choreographer. he could make the body speak for itself and its moving. i used to dance back in highschool alot so watching and learning is ma favorite thing to do too. watch hs videos. you wont regret it :)

i actually wanted to blog about friends and highschool but thn i have no idea why or how all ths random topics appeared. but anyways, last night got me thinking, i have all this dude friends right..they're all losers. i hated the fact that when the girl is much more superior and confident than they are, they bail. they bounce you know what im saying. if they cant be a man or feel much better or equal than we girls are, they leave. its bothering me because i couldnt help but to question why? why not stick around? because we're more powerful than you are? because youre scared? its frustrating really.

another thing is. last semester, i accidently say out loud about ma assumptions towards this guy. he was like 'what do you mean by that?' i panic and i couldnt really be reasonable. i was being irrational. i just walked away. now that i think about it, everyone of us tend to judge people right? we dont know them but we could simply say that they're being fake or they're being rude and all those. we dont really know the reasons behind those behaviors. we have no right to say such and such but we do it anyway right? what i think is the reason why we do that is because, we need to adjust ourselves to fit into these peoples character, where they are coming from, how they are thinking..to click..to be friends..to understand...now it might not always be right but statistically, it has been proven that it work, thats how we have friends or have people to talk to right? so i just think that you just have to noe youre limit. i do that to understand people but not to judge them, you noe what i mean?

so next time i will blog or i will tell you a story. an important ones. for now take care

peace.

what the fuck?

2011-07-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

where to begin? ma sketches. ma sketch books are gone. Officially. ive lend it to ma bestfriend during her time of needs and since i trusted her, i gave it all - all ma work from the tiniest object potraits painting black and white..all with her. i made her promised to return it to me as soon as shes done with it. every year since then, i reminded her to return it..she forgot.

now she told me, she lost it! i love art incase you dont know readers. its a way of escape for me. i have alot of emotion issues. sketching and paintings helps me tremendously. i forgot what ive drawn in that sketches but i do noe that every single one meant something. i have reasons for drawing it. so how the hell am i suppose to forgive her for losing it? how many times do i have to feel disappointed because of her?

angry? sad? FURIOUS! its dump, idiotic and just plain stupid to lose someones property. to apologize is enough? no! not to me! 7 years and more of me in that sketches. all gone. im heartbroken. shes dead to me. best friend? DEAD!

now that is left is ma art stand with just a bunch of empty canvas and drawing blocks *cries a million tears*

i wont bite

2011-07-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

people found me intimidating. makes them scared to look at me in the eye. now maybe i sorta understand why it is so but sometimes i get a little too sensitive about it and i cant think straight. its this sort of things that made ma mind overthink stuff. okey so that doesnt make any sense. i tend to give this impression of 'i dont give a damn who you are and dont talk to me like you noe me' face. it automatically happen all the time and when i told maself to take it easy, it gets worst. it makes me look tough but on the inside im totally the opposite. (im not kidding-what you see is DEFINITELY not what you get)

what im implying is that im tired of having people to misjudge and afraid to be friendly around me just because of how i apply maself to them. its not ma intention but thats just how i am. smiling is not ma favorite thing to do but it doesnt mean i dont want to.

forgive

2011-07-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

how can you forgive someone so easily when all they have done is to hurt you? i wanted things to be normal just the way it was but when i look at you, hear your voice or your name, ma body automatically got in rage. something i couldnt control because i dont think you deserve this guilt that im feeling for you. im the kind of friend that let you understand and pick it up on your own. its not ma place to say things im uncomfortable with but how long will i have to wait for you to realize and understand what im trying to deliver?

to simply forgive is not fair. everything in ma life is not fair heck, in everyones life is not fair but we have the right to control whom ever that comes in our lives- to walk away from them or to stay so as for ths moment, im not exactly clear about ma choices even if others told me theres none to make.

so not funny

2011-07-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

funny thing happened today. mum, sista and i went out shopping. i got into a shoe store, was about to pay up and i broke ma heel. thats right. ONE HEEL! devastated as i was, i continued walking to ma car limping. i thought of buying flats to save maself from the incident but than ma car was not that far from the store. beside, i refused to waste any of ma money. so the employees try to convince me to buy shoes but i just couldnt. i bought maself other things but i just ruined ma FAV shoes. so heartbroken. LOL. enough said.

have you ever have that moment when some random dude stare at you for maybe too long but his girlfriend was standing right beside him smiling to him and hes looking directly at you. felt a bullet went straight to ma eyes. i swear. got those moments alot of times. its disturbing and inappropriate. -_-" they could never settle down for one.

have exactly 3 more weeks before august before i start ma internship. kinda nervous but i mean, i ask for it so why not kick ass. i just hope it has nothing to do with numbers cause i think i'll murder maself if i get into that situation. lol.

peace.

2011-07-09T02:24:00.000-07:00

a must watch video. best thing i never had- beyonce. *nods*

go on and click it---

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHp2KgyQUFk&feature=topvideos_mf

renewed

2011-07-09T01:58:00.001-07:00

had a 2o mins jog this afternoon. the weather was extremely hot. i hate getting tanner than i already am but it feels good to get back up and let lose. havent had that for a while but definitely worth it. so again, ive been reading this guy's blog (still i wont tell you who cause i dont think you'll get it) but i read every post he posted. shocking how his life reflected mine personally. his character and personality. the way he thinks and how he act. scary and makes me more calm at the same time. i finally found someone who makes me feel like im not alone. he mentioned in one of his post that he believe that everyone have certain things that they are good at and when they pursue it, they'll make magic comes true. in his case, thats not it, things dont really happen much for him even if he tried his hardest. he hates waiting because if he doesnt know what will happen, it bugs him.

i feel a little bit relieved because all this while i noe some people get what im saying and what i feel but they never really understood the whole process of that pain. make no sense there but thats how i feel. i noe people are listening but they dont really understand but this guy, by reading his blog..a guy which is miles away from here and i never really knew but i feel connected and save. thats just how it is.

so anyways, ima take a shower. its still early but i think ima go out tonight to get maself food. now i think im not scared to try new food anymore. more or less it makes me tempted to try whatever. even if it doesnt taste good well atleast i know, ive tasted and tried it. im tired of the same food every now and then. its getting old and i want something new and fresh. haha..:)

inspired

2011-07-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

wow! it actually took me a while to figure out how to start this post. i was reading this dude's blog and im just simply inspired. everything he said is how i actually would say it if someone would ask me about ma life. im always going on about how ma life doesnt turn out how i plan it. what he said was that the thought of the future is a scary thought, we cant never control the situation but only control how we react to it. it does not necessarily means negative thoughts. he was going on of how much he wanted to be someone better and achieve something bizarre and make a change. one step at the time. you see, hes very talented and passionate man. couldnt really say who but hes so determine and committed which makes me wanted to live for me instead of trying to prove to everyone what i am capable of and instead share ma knowledge and show it.

the only thing that keeps me sane is to be able to control ma situation. whatever i say and whatever i do, makes it easier to breathe everyday. when i couldnt, i over obsessed with it and it drove me crazy. i want to live for me. maybe thats the key to success and happiness. just the things i want. he said something else, that he felt like hes mind move faster than his body which makes me totally agree with him. i felt like im not being productive and am lazy most of the days. sitting around, watching movies, eat..you noe all those normal stuff that people do and what i should be doing is surround maself with people. things will be much more happening if only i could. living under ma parents roof is the only thing thats stopping me from doing whatever so i couldnt get ma butt up.

you know that time when you feel like everyone in room is talking to you and you arent sure to whom you should listen to? i have that moments almost everyday even if there is only one person talking. (thats how fast ma mind moves) so yea sometimes i lock maself in ma room just to listen to silence and take a deep breath and just hope ma mind would be as silent as ma room. its chaotic in there. so i would love to do some travelling. maybe as a carrier. that would ease ma mind definitely. after graduating, i WILL live for ME!

inspired by SE<3

2011-06-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

left questioning

2011-06-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

i dreamt of him this morning. we graduated. she told you everything. you came up to me and apologize for destroying ma inner ability to love again. i woke up, you disappeared.

i do wonder if we misunderstood each other. i do wonder why you walk away. i do wonder why we cant look in the eyes and be friends. i do still wonder if you ever thought we could ever be one. i still wonder at night if you ever care at all. we were never friends. you're a stranger but i still wonder about everything after so long.

simply because you were never gone.

fix you

2011-06-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix youTears stream down on your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Tears stream down on your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down on your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

-coldplay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xsq79MnoszA&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Javier colon version (The Voice)

amazing show. adam levine all the way. super hawt. strange how i know his music and who he is but never really look at him but definitely worth remembering.

holiday mood

2011-06-19T08:26:00.001-07:00

i finally have the mood to start blogging properly now. since both ma brothers are at home for the moment, ma dad has finally got up and fixed ma air-conditioner. its been hell for some time now but its working perfectly. was thinking of having sleep overs with friends here but guess the timing is not right yet. probably soon. insyallah.

i was reading some old post ive posted last year about how much i was emotionally obsessed with this dude but i kept on denying it in the previous post. funny thing now i thought about it, i tend to get involve in one person and when that happened, nothing else matters. its always like that but i was just in denial. now i admit it, i was. also, the part i mentioned how i regret even knowing him by name. bunch of bullcrap. honestly, i dont regret knowing everyone i ever had a crush on. this guy is just different because he was the 2nd one ive ever really loved? its such a strong word but its true because i felt it before in 2004 and again last year. thats why i know the difference. thats why it hurts so much to forget and let go.

but dont worry about that, im so over it! :) lets see, im on ma semester break at the moment. 3 months of nothing. actually not nothing for me. ive become a part time driver for ma mum. i should really get paid. with the things im doing, i should be fed :S ma result was out a few days ago, should have done better. thought i was but i mean you should never be hard on yourself. i'll do better i promise. ma sista is continuing her master. congratulation to her. ma brotha is continuing his phb (thats what i heard). hes home but will be going back to aussie or NZ this tues. im not sure anymore. lets not talk about them and back to maself. been downloading alot of movies and series. i think i ran out of series to watch. ask me anything. im done with seasons to seasons. waiting for the latest. in production. movies--almost everything. yesterday i went to watch green lantern. love the movie. yes ive went to cinemas too.

regardless of being jobless, im enjoying ma holiday as much as i could. the next thing you know, it'll end. minus well. i forgot how it feels like to just sit in ma room and plan what to do next or just stare at the ceiling. not a day to regret. will blog about something heavy next time. meaningful i meant.

im not done

2011-06-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

listening to leighton meester- a little bit stronger over and over again does make me feel a lot better. i love her. shes such an amazing actress and singer. such an inspiration. xoxo gossip girl :)

*breathe* after sometime having ma thoughts to maself. its the future that gave me that sense of unworthiness. i wanted something better for maself but it seem to harm me emotionally alot so i think its best to know that its just a dream right now but its not the end yet. theres still room for improvement. i feel better after that long cry. needed that.

im done with how it feels. im done thinking. knowing some people still believe in me is a all i needed. i feel a whole lot better :)

im still hoping for the best baby~you wont be the reason for me to quit. i was not born to quit!

seriously?

2011-06-16T02:09:00.000-07:00

it doesnt hurt like it use to anymore. it doesnt seem right to feel absolutely calm at this point but as much as i am worried..i cant really blame anyone more than maself. taking risk is all ive ever done..regardless of the outcomes...im glad i took those silly risk just to learn something different and new. usually it ends up with negative result but i guess education is never meant for me. not that im giving up. i have a goal that i intend to reach and i will not back down just because everything inside me is telling me to quit. you cant never depend on anyone on your work and that i will sure to keep maself reminded. angry? maybe but right now i shall blame it on me.

sometimes i get a little too tired of expecting and living in disappointments. every time when i want good things to happen, it turns out the opposite. so things happen for a reason but is it too hard to ask to soar a little bit higher. been meaning to spread ma wings and smile about it because i know i have finally deserve good things but im 22 years old and i have not have that moment yet.

am i meant for failure? do i have to continuously feel unworthy?

you are your own enemy

2011-06-09T02:36:00.000-07:00

are you angry? do you feel like everyone in the world hates you? do you feel like them judging you? does it make you more angry than before? you think you understand how the world works. you believe that nothing good ever happen and when it did, its a matter of time that it'll be taken away from you and you feel more miserable than you could possibly imagine. you thought that the only way to survive is to let that anger inside you take over and let it control you. you hold your head high to show the world that you can handle it, you are a strong person and eventually people see it as being arrogant and heartless. apparently you yourself believe that okey so what that people think youre a bitch and so what if people think you dont care cause you know that when you start caring about everything or the little things, it'll hurt you eventually so why bother to start? so you avoid it.

let me tell you something. you're not arrogant neither are you confident. YOU ARE SCARED! youre scared of not being good enough for anyone or everyone around you. scared of not feeling worthy of whatever you do. youre scared people will think youre a failure if life knocks you down so hard to the ground and give up, youre scared of being not enough for the person you love, youre scared of disappointment from family, youre scared of not having that qualification for a job, scared of not having to reach that standard goal you were expected to reach. now, theres nothing wrong being scared. everyone in this world is scared of something. doesnt make you alone in this. the world is really cruel, scary, ridiculously hard and just unpredictable. heck i havent live that long but its definitely hasnt been heaven for me either. But you should never punish yourself when you have tried the best you could.

just give yourself a break from that anger. release it and let it go. if you keep complaining about what you dont have and what you thought you deserve but never get it, life will definitely be hard for you. we all think at some point in our life that we deserve something better. but if you dont fight for it, dont complain and just accept it and good things might happen. if it doesnt, you should never punish yourself especially never think that you are not good enough because you are good enough.

so you might hate everyone around you at the moment because you think they dont understand you, you might hate where you are as well because youre embarrass of how far people get and youre lost and stuck in the moment of no-where-ville. WAKE UP SILLY! the world doesnt revolve around you. you either suck it up, smile if you have too, be friendly if you have too and dont say youre not friendly, everyone CAN be friendly! and make memories instead of enemies. you might be surprise of how wonderful the world and people can be.

moving on

2011-06-06T02:58:00.001-07:00

simply said.

L[0ver]

2011-06-04T03:21:00.001-07:00

its not the end of ma love story.

love is not forever because life as a whole is temporary. so lets just stop hoping for everything to last forever because it wont.

you have no idea!

2011-05-27T02:54:00.000-07:00

Do i have to apologize for hating you? do i have to blame maself for what i used to feel for you? i think not. its written all over ma face, the way ma friends have treated you and i know your friends know how much uncomfortable i feel everytime your name is brought up. is that ma fault? did i plan to feel something for you? i didnt choose you! is it so wrong not having everyone to like you? so what if i choose to hate you? why does it matter?

im not the most patient person alive and letting go is not ma weakness either. i just think that if people that dont matter to you, shouldnt be part of your life anymore. if they use to matter, it should stayed in the past and you move on. theres so many people out there to be friends with, so i chose not to stick by people i knew for so long. only those that matters.

random thought. you know how sometimes you're sitting in a group of people and you have that moment when you're absolutely certain that you have no idea what they're talking about. you ask right? i have people in ma life when i ask what theyre talking about and they tend to give me names or situation to explain and i go like 'really?' or 'seriously?' they go like 'you didnt know?' with that expression showing that im a bimbo and where have ive been. well let me tell you one thing PEOPLE! 'do you noe how to fly a plane?' well some of you might..those professionals..but on a serious note- NOT EVERYONE KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW!! so what if i dunt noe..there are things that i say, you have no clue about but did i judge you or get all pist off because you're clueless? NO I DONT! cause thats just ridiculously stupid to think like that.

so ma point here is, people should just fucking stop assuming they know some people. honestly, you have no fucking idea.

micah :)

2011-05-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPEN THIS MORNING!

I GOT UP. SAW SOME OF THE LEGACY MEMBERS TWEETING SO I DECIDED TO TWEET TO ONE OF THEM WHICH HAPPEN TO BE MA FAVORITE MEMBER :) AND GUESS WHAT? I KNOW ITS NOT A BIG DEAL AND ALL BUT IT IS TO ME LOL~

LOOK CLOSELY~(his tweeter page)

CANT SEE? LOOK BELOW..THATS RIGHT...MICAH RE-TWEETED MA TWEET TO HIM. DIDNT EXPECT HIM TO DO THAT LIKE SERIOUSLY IVE DONE IT BEFORE BUT HE NEVER RE-TWEET OR REPLY. BOOHOOO ME BUT THIS TIME HE DID. THIS IS HUGE :) (if you have no idea who this dude or who legacy are-well they are an accapella youtubers, they always sings in perfect harmony and rhythm, they pick songs from the 90's alot which i adore! now they are justin bieber's backup singers :) ) do please subscribe to them and listen to their god sent voices.

?

2011-05-24T02:53:00.000-07:00

im not sure how to begin to explain what i am feeling right now. as you should have known by now, i have spent most of ma time figuring out who i am as a person. if people would have ask me about maself, i would give a straight honest answer without even thinking how to say it because ive accomplished that. make it easier for me to deny what and who im not. today it got me thinking about something more maybe important. what do i wanna do when i grow up? the answer to that still is empty. ive thought about it when i was a child but now that i grew up, it sounds so absurd. im not sure what i wanna do. we are encourage to be job maker and not seeker. we are to challenge ourself everyday and to chase something that we what to become and do in the future. i was denied that opportunity. now that i think about it, it might not be what i want to do. i dont really want to wake up everyday and hate what i do. i want to be able to have freedom and good at what i do. struggling is not what i want to feel and to have everyday. so to say, what im majoring at right now might be something i want to learn, maybe within that field but not specifically that.

but is it normal to not know where you might end up? it scares me to not know about ma future. alright so maybe noone knows what is going to happen to them but everyone have a plan. i dont have any but i have alot of dreams. not really dreams that i am desperate to make it happen. just something that might be an idea. so to those people reading this post, let me know- what do you want to do for your future job? are you as clueless as i am?

i should go

2011-05-15T03:38:00.000-07:00

cant believe vampire diaries came to its finale. now im left wondering and waiting what season 3 is all about.

this soundtrack from the series last episode says alot click!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3AKhxXr0EY&feature=related

Here we are

Isn't it familiar

Haven't had someone to talk to

In such a long time

And it's strange

All we have in common

And your company was just the thing I needed tonight

Somehow I feel I should apologize

Cuz I'm just a little shaken

By what's going on inside

I should go
Before my will gets any weaker
And my eyes begin to linger
Longer than they should
I should go
Before I lose my sense of reason
And this hour holds more meaning
Than it ever could
I should go
I should go
Baby, I should go

It's so hard
Keeping my composure
And pretend I don't see how
Your body curves beneath your clothes
And your laugh
Is pure and unaffected
It frightens me to know so well the place I shouldn't go
I know I gotta take the noble path
Cuz I don't want you to question
The intentions that I have

I don't mean to leave you with a trivial excuse
And when you call tomorrow, I'll know what to do

self discovery

2011-05-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

have you ever feel so ashamed of something that you refuse to talk about it to anyone? do you wish it wouldnt have happen to you? do you lie about it to protect yourself? for 22 years of ma life ive learnt, its time to let go and reveal ma darkest moments.

the world is definitely a very scary place. there will be times when you wish you wouldnt have done what you did, or what you have said. there are things out of your control you wish to take it back. there are times in life when things get too complicated and you feel like the whole worlds burden is resting on your shoulder. i used to be so scared of everything that it prevent me from moving forward. i was so use of being familiar with ma surroundings i didnt dare to step outside ma comfort zone and learn. whats the use in learning when everything is always the same? when life knocks me down so hard through the ground, i had no choice, i was lost! i got nowhere to run, to hold and just no where to shelter maself from the pain i was feeling. it erase all logical thinking in ma head, at that moment i prayed to end.

i was expected to just stand on ma own two feet and move on fast. it didnt make sense at first for me to get up and walk when everything inside me felt helpless and lifeless. i was mortified to be in a whole new life, new people and new environment. i shut everyone around me, ma family, ma friends and potential friends. i let maself feel ugly inside and out for so long, it made me cried every single day to see what ive became. understanding maself was beyond ma reach. i decided to let maself feel helpless. there are times i sat in the dark wishing everyone to leave me alone and to hope that the day will pass me by like a blink of an eye. i would sit in ma room, suck all the oxygen in it, close ma eyes and cry some more. as days goes by, i became more uglier and even if people around me were friendly, i wanted them to leave me alone. i was sick of everything, it made ma angry.

after going through such agony, feeling like you aint enough and worthy of everything you do regardless i work hard. i focus on trying to reach the top. with that, ive made it! to think back from that experience, i still couldnt begin to accept what happened and im still scared until today to admit where ive been. one thing for sure, i wouldnt have discovered who i am and what i am capable of without going through it. ive learnt so many things about maself and people around me. to not take things for granted and be appropriate when i needed to be. ive learnt to control ma personality, emotions and appreciate people that matters only. what is more interesting is that i wouldnt be happier to accept maself as a person today without having that strength and courage that Allah have guided me to see and feel. it let me believe that things can change if i change!

as for today, i am still ashamed about some part of ma life that i still keep it as a secret. sometimes i do get chills just thinking about ma past, sometimes i look back to remind maself that whatever i wanted to achieve, its not impossible but i definitely will not go back there to experience it again but it made me stronger as a person mentally and emotionally. i wouldnt be without it. so yes life is definitely unpredictable. you cant just simply gave up when things gets harder. you improvise, learn from it and adapt. believe me going through depression mode is not the road you want to take. building yourself up once you reach that stage is not easy but if you make an effort to try, life works in a mysterious way.

what is going on

2011-05-07T03:16:00.000-07:00

let me start by saying that i am officially FREE! exam just ends this morning. wasnt a good one especially because i panic. its normal when you start but panicking till the end of the exam, that wasnt great or acceptable. theres nothing i can do anymore so im just gonna have to let it go.

so far this semester is by far very challenging. there wasnt enough time to revise or study to begin with. thank goodness its done and over with. have not rest at all so now im gonna smile and face the world. okey that might sound a little bit over dramatic but hey, thats just how i am. what happen? ALOT! where to begin? family drama..messing up ma head..didnt have time to think about it but im hoping things get better. friends? troubling. i can smile and i laugh but at times i just wanna sit and cry ma heart out because ive had enough. throughout ma life i have learnt to be independent and to not depend on anyone so i dont really get tired of people around me but spending too much time together, i can be really annoyed. not at them specifically but on how i am easily irritated. if i spent too much with people, i see right through them, mostly the negative side as much as i dont want to but it shows clearly. im trying ma hardest to change on that so be patient with me friend. life is never easy for me. i know its not easy on everyone but im talking about me. only.

another friend drama? one thing i dislike the most is how fake people can be. it might have nothing to do with me and i know everyone have all this different sides in them which clearly doesnt mean its not them and that means they are not being themselves. thats not what im saying. its really pathetic to try to cover what you feel at that moment when its clearly hurting you. it doesnt make sense. i get that some people refer to that as being strong and not show their weakness but c'mon seriously? thats not being real to yourself. we are your friends, we dont expect you to be strong and put on that poker face which to alot of people is consider as fake. its getting on ma nerve. as much as alot of us have forgiven you. i have nothing to apologize for or anything else but just bare in mind, even if people, your friends and strangers might forgive you, dont think they will stop talking shit behind your back. we're human and we are just like everyone. its really sad to think about it. for me personally, people should just let it go though..shit happens, its none of our business, noone is perfect. she might be fake and annoying at times but that doesnt mean shes a bad person. she just makes the wrong choices.

so for now im gonna stop here and blog again very soon.

temptation

2011-04-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

to say im nervous is beyond what i have to say. pretty much im distracted. its impossible to relax now since exam is this monday. i kept mentioning it to remind maself how big it is and that its not some sort of a test. im usually worried but now im just so use to it that it only scares me and not terrifies me. its dangerous. i shouldnt even be blogging at this moment but i think i should. Yesterday when i was suppose to be studying to ma hardest. i went out to watch THOR with ma siblings. been waiting for the premier and i couldnt wait any longer so what the heck. you see ma dilemma? its tempting so i went for it. kept telling maself that i shall regret it but than if you really think about it. why should i? working hard is a waste of ma time when people around me who hardly work tend to rise above me still so whats the point? im going with the flow. im stuck and im fed up. im tired!

i havent been resting since forever to say the least. glad that assignments are done and over with but motion graphic was the reason i was busy all week. it was suppose to be revision week since monday. but a friend and i have to wait by the booth of our art exhibition (which i did not plan or even think of joining) more like it was a force to in order to be assess. its ridiculous because i didnt want it. to disturb me during ma revision..you're just asking for a death sentence. its a good experience i noe but wheres the time management here? seriously? we had to sit for hours and hours from 9am till 5pm for people (there wasnt even more than like 10?) i see no purpose! it was suppose to be a memory to look back and smile about because ive always love art class. this time its different. i started with being in a ridiculous group, no commitment, no communication and worst, we dont click! thus, things went terrible. it was a disaster. to publicly show our work. it felt like i didnt do anything. its not ma work and i definitely wasnt proud of that work. disappointing indeed. wasted 4 days of doing nothing but sitting down staring at the same people, listening to the same music. i swear something inside me died being in there. ive never felt so tired of everything.

its just too bad because the art major students were really nice and helpful. they were friendly but i was the opposite because i was too focus on trying to fix what is not right with our group and trying ma hardest to not be angry and steam out infront of them, makes me forget to enjoy and have fun. because thats what it was suppose to be about. eventhough we made friends, to comment on the whole module, i just hate it. PERIOD! if i fail ma other modules, i would bring those people in ma group down to the ground and make them regret of approaching me in the first place! right now i have nothing much to say. still angry noone can do anything about it. weve not been assess for our art work so really? whats the exhibition for? -_-" ive waited i swear! not feeling any better right now. been going out alot to release ma steam. working? maybe! just have to hold on a little bit longer. 1 week! i'll be back. wish me luck for exam! :S

you will be loved

2011-04-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vZCV3z7WDI&feature=related (cant post the video here- no link so just click on that. fantastic song :'S )

stress top level

2011-04-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

one thing ive learn today is to try to private ma blog. somehow ma gurls all found out what i wrote about them in here. it wasnt meant for them to know because it really was something really real that i will never dare to say infront of them. wasnt only shocking but i think ive turn red. its funny though to see how they react but i wasnt there when they first read it. too bad. but somehow im glad they knew. its just funny to me. anyways, this is ma last week before revision week than exam. which clearly shows how ready i am -_-" thats just a joke incase you've miss that. i still have 4 assignments pending. 3 due this Saturday. i think something inside me is slowly dying. was having a very good chit chat with diyanah qidah and shidah today.

another thing that needs to be point out is that, i hate confronting people. i see no reasons for it. when you confront them about their flaws youre simply saying indirect that its a huge problem and that i want you to be just like me. which clearly shows that you think not only you know everything but in a way you think you're perfect. theres nothing wrong in telling someone if you're annoyed at them but for me i think there's no use. i showed them with ma expression and the movement of ma body. what i think is..they are growing up and if you sense that theres something fishy going on, maybe it is you. you dont have to bring it up, you try to learn from it and make yourself better without people telling you so thats just me.. i think that confronting also mean that you dont accept the person the way he/she is which is wrong especially if you're friends..so i dont like to do it. i prefer them to realize on his/her own and decide and choose to change but dont judge me if i try to express ma frustration. thats just how i let it go.

moving on, theres alot to do. im currently working on ma discourse marker work. today is very exhausting. i just want to relax but next week i will be having an exhibition with ma group mates on our final project video-commercial. wish me luck on that. the problem here is, we need to edit. its actually a good thing that we're able to still edit it but theres conflicting ideas regarding the message of the whole video. its funny. its so simple actually. people are so caught in trying to show their talent on visual effects and everything until they forgot the meaning and message of our commercial in a first place. *sigh*

busy busy BUSY

2011-04-17T01:25:00.000-07:00

im in a state of confusion but organized. i know i have not been blogging lately. it is because i have one more week left before revision week and after that i'll be having ma exam. the worst thing about it is that i have 5 more assignments to do. yes in a week. i think recently, i just let maself cry for a moment because of the feeling of exhaustion. the thing is i can ensure maself that i'll be able to finish it, it is just that, im so tired everyday. went home at 6pm and went straight to ma work and not giving maself time to breathe. sometimes i just let maself go. not to worry, after that long cry by maself, i can do it. thats all that i needed. ive been doing good this semester so far. thank the lord for that.

recently, on mon, we had our final product presentation on Motion graphic. i remember at first how excited i was to learn and just explore on this module. having to be in the same group as this guy which we call him 'shaker' ma life was a mess. not only did he refuse to listen on our comment or suggestions, the video that he edit didnt turn out how we expected it. we gave him directions and continuously decide on doing other things simply because we dont have time to explore on the program that were ask to use to edit the video. but he knew hes way around that program so he volunteered to edit the whole video ALONE. we let him..not only was i angry, upset, disappointed, i was mostly ashamed because ma video never turn out like that. we could have made a better video. worst thing was, he hardly use the program instead use the basic program of making a video (anyone can do that!) sitting in that classroom having to work so hard with the sketching and presentation n stuff and knowing that it was all you can give was a moment of defeat for me. it was embarrassing indeed. simply because others were like professional. yours were like beginners video. if it affect ma grade, i will blame him but at the same time i will blame maself because i shouldnt have allow him to do it ALONE. i could have simply do it.

moving on, we've been making another video presentation. this time is for marketing. its very stressful but we're doing great because there are teamwork and we see each other everyday so it was easy to meet up and finish up. hopefully it'll turn out good. amin! i was thinking of taking a nap. mum woke me up early in the morning to go and eat out. we've been eating out so much. i think ive gain more weight than the one ive lost. its pretty annoying actually. im a little bit exhausted at the moment. tryna finish up on ma socio essay due this week ofcourse. im almost there. will blog again very soon. hopefully~

im colorblind

2011-04-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

it said it all

im not perfect

2011-04-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

thanx to dayat for introducing me this song. says so much :)

bambi

2011-04-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

its already the next day. im suppose to be extremely nervous because in about 12 hours, i'll be presenting with a friend but surprisingly im not really bother. thats a good thing i think. after hours being interrupted and disturbed by ma sista who kept asking about psychology. not that i mind teaching but i was actually spoon feeding her all the way. its not fair. she doesnt make an effort to pretend. not only was i all a mess in ma head about ma 8 assignments due within this 3 weeks, i have to think about her also. you can imagine how dramatically insane i was. giving advice doesnt help because she might take it in right now but in few minutes later, she'll forget it. thats the type of person she is. nothing can change that part of her. the part which is in need of a change otherwise, she'll grow up without a future. im just saying.

which got me thinking. ive come a long way. yes this is about me. i use to be like her so i get it. i wasnt lazy not like that. i was so much afraid of the future but i was willing to go through the road even if i have to go through it alone. i seek challenges because life is pretty much dull without it. im always scared but that never really stop me from going towards it. we all are different ofcourse but everyone have atleast one dream. in order to get that dream, you have to succeed right? that process going through it is not pretty. its harsh, lonely and scary. sometimes you wish to give up but i mean the end product might be worth it so why not just went for it and find out. do you really want to think about it and what could have been for the rest of your life? i sure not want that. its hard but nobody says its not.

so yes. im self motivated. anyone can be. dont just freak out just because things are getting harder. you believe you couldnt do it because you're not the best and you kept failing. that doesnt mean you're a failure forever. people might think you are. screw them. youre the one living your life. you are the only one who understands. so go for the process if thats what it takes to succeed. fail? get back up and suck it up. you might say that its not easy but bitch ive went through it. believe me i noe it aint~ but what youre gona do? dwell and feel sorry for yourself? till when? the only thing you can do is to stop feeling sorry for urself and stop letting people pity you and do something about it. if you do, not only will you learn to be stronger mentally and physically, you'll be happier. :)

dont despair

2011-04-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

*listening to get it right-glee*

im having that moment again. the feeling of defeat. cant just stand there looking at everyone around me holding on to something that they know belongs to them. felt like the time keeps moving but i wasnt sure where to go or to look.

yes i am scared for so many things im unsure about. so tired of being so angry everyday because things dont turn out how i plan, i get it its life but would it hurt to be happy even for a second?

i am adapting, im accepting but that dream i had, felt like its not impossible to reach that is why im so hungry for it. i know i will get that but im not sure when or how.

KL+Dramas

2011-04-02T03:05:00.001-07:00

first of all i would love to point out how insane even having the idea of going abroad on this month. not only was i packed with assignments, exam is next month. so i was actually screwed but i didnt have a choice so i didnt back down. its for ma mum. its her birthday wish or maybe just a wish so i went to KL for 4 days of missing lectures and tutorials. i shall pay for that! had 2 assignments pending right after i came home which was on the 31st. crazy? INSANE! it wasnt all worth it tho' i forgot how it felt like to be in KL let alone abroad. its been sometime. shopping wasnt great, walking wasnt great, food was great but i couldnt really consume much cause tummy issue. i finally went sunway lagoon. got ma pants all torn. it was fun there tho' had to buy maself a new pants for swim before anyone sees it. the trouble ive experience. brotha went back to aussie after just a week plus in Brunei n KL. people there cannot stop staring. have that moment where i just stop smiling. regardless..bought friends some gifts :) i just pick out all random things that reminds me of them so some were the same and some were different.

moving on, i came to uni to expect dramas and yes ive gotten it.

its so ridiculously sad to see things around you move so fast while youre standing there wondering what you've miss. ive seen people move in and out of ma life and its not really a big deal for me cause its not really ma fault. well sometimes but what im tryna say is that, im speechless to even begin. i get the fact that everyone have their flaws. sometimes its too much to bare, you just have to tell someone. i do that. its normal to get angry and upset about what your own friends did to you. its not wrong to express it. it doesnt mean i hate you or stay the fuck away from ma life. it means that i give a damn and it upset me because youre important. thats ma side of the story. there were a couple of times when ma own buddies upset me to the core, i wish to just strangle them with ma own bare hands but i could simply let it go because to see how much you've grown to learn from these people, it doesnt matter to compare to how strong your friendship are. it wasnt backstabbing or lying to you. more like i need to have a second opinion cause it might be ma damn fault. sometimes it takes time to let it pass but if it did pass, you're worth it. when you hurt your friends and you dont realise what you're doing, thats one flaws that will never be forgiven.

i mean think about it. i think everyone are the same. we say stuff to other people about other people. gurls do that. i dun think we have any control of it but we have different intentions. the end.

man

2011-03-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

ive done it again. everytime a guy regardless whoever he is, pist me off even if it wasnt meant for me, hes dead in ma book. because of me, ma friends have to lose more guy friends. im tired of being the reason for them to choose. im not asking for them to choose, it just happen. im so anti men behavior that i refuse to tolerate anything more. im fed up. ma friends might criticize me on this but hey, i didnt ask you to choose. yes i feel guilty. im not even sure why i should i noe im over reacting over this matter because he treat everyone like that. the difference is, they have patience..i DONT! it might be a personal issue he was dealing with and he might not want to talk to anyone but completely ignoring me infront of our friends. that was embarrassing for me especially the fact that i treat him with total politeness and never ever treat him like shit even if i feel like shit. thats no way to treat your own friend. you expect me to just let it go, im not sure if i can.

its frustrating. i dont really mind but for the sake of ma gurls, its really disturbing. forgiveness? maybe~ i'll think about it!

get it right

2011-03-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

this songs says everything thats need to be said....(the song is genius)

sometimes i dont mean what i said...

sickness spreading

2011-03-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

this is what i feel like i look now

every part of ma body is screaming for freedom...

okey that might sound a little bit over dramatic but thats just who i am..its been one heck of a torture month for me and ma friends. assignments are endless...as a result, i am beyond sick. its natural for me. i tend to forget that im no superwoman and i cant be strong every single second. i cant breathe, ma throat hurts, ma head is hurting. i noe i noe...i get maself into this but hey, i finsh ma work. thats the good part. it was hard to focus and concentrate especially in class. damn that was a nightmare. i hope i get better cause its hard to even laugh or smile o even pretend to have a good time. thats how sick i feel. hopefully soon. amin!

it turns out ma presentation which suppose to be this coming week is postpone but unfortunately, i'll be going to KL the next week. so i cant present. afta a long negotiation well not really with mr gary jones. things are good. i'll be presenting next month with dibah woohooo:)

made alot of new friends again this year. funny thing was that, never talk to this people before beside saying hi and bye but after that, things were much better. cant elaborate on that cause its not ma story to tell. anyhow...tmlw is anotha essay due instead i was cleaning ma nasty room. couldnt believe ive left it in this nasty condition for that long. cleo's fur was everywhere...maybe thats why ma sickness is worst. but its clean already. thank goodness. i feel like shopping but im thinking of reaching a thousand in ma bank. wait! why am i telling you this? -_-" im almost there:)

chris was a bitch yesterday. was feeling really terrible. went class late. was about to write down attendance on a piece of paper. he told me to write 'masculine woman' i told him im not. he argue back by saying i swayed ma hand so hard like a man while i walk...with supportive friends i have..they defended me. its kinda funny. i told him i do not. he laughed. damn you bitch! he wanted tissue from me but i told him i kinda need it too..seriously there were 3 tissues left...seriously with this running nose. i need one box.

theres so much things went on with ma life right now but i cant really focus but i just feel like blogging randomly...enjoy and have a good time. -_-"

for life

2011-03-16T08:59:00.001-07:00

i use to take ma friends for granted but they never leave. growing up i have met amazing people and i still consider them as ma friends but others are just not meant to stay by your side forever. Before being accepted to university ma sista told me that your university friends will be your friends for life. i believe her. i met so many different people and no words can actually describe how thankful i am to meet this people. i told them once that it wont matter to me if they walk away because i always found it hard to believe if people can handle ma attitude. yes everyone is different but i cant never be friends with me. They just never leave. its strange how negative i am about maself and people think otherwise. old habit can die really slow so i still have it here and there but im better. sometimes i stop trying but this reminds me why i shouldnt. i dont want them to walk out from me because they are like ma family. its strange how different we are but yet we are connected. we see through each other. its almost weird.

i just refuse to expect so much of people because as much as they can handle me, i dont have the greatest patience with them so i'll simply walk away and it wont hurt me a bit. when i expect too much i'll be left disappointed. but somehow i can pick out those that are worth ma time. theres this one girl diyanah i call her, shes older than me, we have so much in common. i love her to death. i look up to her, respect her in so many ways. not words can explain. she chose to feel happy even when things went really terrible. she is the most patient person i have ever met. when life brings her tears and heartbreaks, she refuse to let those define her, she made her own destiny and definitely one of a kind. the fact that she goes crazy sometimes and how she love to tease people- thats one funny and fun thing in her. she never bores me. yes people have their weakness but its so funny how you can just look pass it because it doesnt matter.

have another buddy shidah. sometimes she forgot how gorgeous and beautiful she is. she doesnt have to look thinner or fairer to be anything that shes not because shes already all that. she doesnt even have to try. i love her to death. she a good listener and i wonder how does she handle ma annoying continuously complaints anger and whines. she doesnt like to talk bullshit about people. she doesnt complaint. totally opposite from me. shes crazy though. she always tease me to the core..its hillarious but i can guranteed you that when you get lost or simply have no where to go, you can find her at the end of the line reaching her hand towards you to hold on and i promise you, she wont let you go.

theres another. qiddy. ive known her since i was in college. life was meaningless back then. she came to ma rescue and im not kidding. life was bearable because of her. she likes to not worry people especially when she have drama in her life. she likes to keep it to herself and endure the pain on her own but she sometimes forget the reason why we're here. i love her to death. i feel very comfortable talking about all random crazy stuff to her because i consider her ma family too. like ma sista. what i dont really understand is the fact that how every guy could overlook her because shes simply beautiful inside and out. she forgot sometimes when she care to much about people that she matter too and she is worth it. i just wish she knew that.

theres zana. ive known her since college as well but theres never been a longer conversation beside hi and bye but she became one of ma closest friend. shes hillarious in every aspect. she understand how friends still matter even if she have a boyfriend. its very rare to me. she never left ma side when i needed someone the most.

to be continue....

dear friend

2011-03-14T03:39:00.001-07:00

dear friend. i know you're hurting. to fell in love with a person who wont take even one glance at you. i see right through you because i felt it too. to see him in the arms of someone you have no clue of and see him infront of you, not noticing how much you have given but yet never really get it back in return. i see you. i noe how much you felt like you wanted to run away. to not have met him..to tell your friends that you're over him but i know you. its impossible to forget. i noe you've tried. i noe somedays you want to give up and let him take your heart and soul. let you be hole because you felt like theres nothing else you could do.

dear friend, its okey. dont feel at lost. he might have taken everything inside and out from you but i'll hold on to you. let me carry you through like how you have carried me. dont let go of ma hand. i promise that one day. its not today nor tomolo but one day, he wont matter.

i let him destroy me. i let maself believe that he was everything i wanted. i dig deep through to match ma future with him. thats how far ive went to want him be part of me but noeing that he wants nothing to do with me was a wake up call. i refuse to be love or to love anyone as far as im concern so being heartless is no way to live. life is pretty lonely sometimes.

be brave dear friend. you are worthy to walk through this journey.

close your eyes and breathe

2011-03-10T08:51:00.000-08:00

could have shown a better picture. i was thinking of a very stressful image but this one might do. i have exactly 1 day to be precise to finish up 2 assignments. i wont be sleeping any time soon but i mean it's fine. sometimes thats just what you have to do to survive. im all about quality now NOT quantity. well im gonna try. its not gonna be easy. i had ping pong yesterday. yes ive finally join sport again. miss those days. ive always wanted to join sports but never really have anyone i know to go through it with me. usually have ma gurls who is both in aussie at the moment who usually goes with me so it was basically just a dream. though finally some decided to come along and so i did. first session was hard. being mathematically stupid is not doing me any good. damn! i need to learn how to count. nah seriously. its getting on ma nerve. everyone was afraid to try when one of the AJK (a dude) was about to teach us so they push me to try first. (i love you gurls) *sarcastically* nah im just kidding but i can sense the stress he had while teaching me. i was pretty much stubborn. well you cant blame me. its ma first time. eventually after so many time of practice and the person who taught us changes. things were better. we compete with each other and the whole game became fun. thats what matters. i love it :) all of us did.

we finish late. walk around the football area while the weather dawn on us. just sitting there sweating and feeling the wind running through your skin, it was miraculous. i mean, we felt healthy again. funny thing. wasnt a big fan of the dudes football game and players. they seem lazy. enough about that. im not even suppose to be blogging but i think im inspired :)

today was different. i miss ma 10am lecture because both ma legs were hurting. thats what i get for not warming up before playing the game. how could i forget that. after years of experience. stupid me. so i had history of media tutorial which later i found out the class were cancel due to the fact that noone was presenting. i was actually a bit pist because i slept at 3am and ma work was not really done and theres this guy in the class, he just switch off the lights while we were still in there discussing our work. it was a stupid thing to do. i got pist but never mind that. guys can be really stupid sometime. we went to socio department to get notes unfortunately hasmadi was busy so i wanted to go to the cafe to hang with ma gurls but i was exhausted so i decided to bail. funny thing happen. i went to ma car, start the engine, put ma left foot in the car while ma other foot was outside. felt something crawl inside on ma leg. (this is what happen if you wear baju kurung). i thought it was just leafs. it happens all the time. so i pull up ma kain and guess what it was? DARK HUGE THICK HEAVY LIZARD on ma bottom LEG! i scream..seriously im not kidding. luckily no one was there. i couldnt bare the thought of it. it went right up the steering wheel and inside it. so i wasnt sure what to do. its inside ma car. i had a thought that it might crawl again on me while i press the peddle. thats just a thought. i had to go home so i just went with it. i prayed so hard. its not even funny.

alhamdulilah i reach home safely. told ma dad to check it up. thank goodness that tomorow is friday. dammit i have to pick up ma mum regardless. this is not gonna be easy. just thinking about it sends shiver down ma whole body. *ew* nightmare!!! anyhow, regardless of my unfortunate events, i sleep it off the whole afternoon and spend ma night just laughing and watching movies and going out with ma sistas. forget ma work and just chill for a moment. sometimes you have to give yourself time to breathe.

back to ma work. o.0

true story

2011-03-05T01:33:00.000-08:00

theres exactly 1 month plus left before this semester ends. oh how much i am looking forward for it. im on ma semester break. this monday uni reopens. it took me this long to blog i know. unforgivable but this is what happen if you took ALL major core modules. the work are endless. okey so remember how i hate group work? yes i hated it with all ma heart. i just hate working in groups. i can work with ma friends but with strangers..im not saying i cant, i just prefer not to. there is always that one person who will make you regret taking the subject to begin with. i threaten him the other day that i shall murder him if he didnt do his work. look i know its harsh but damn straight he deserve it. if only its not a sin. he'll be the first person for sure. we've been shooting the video which was kind of fun (this doesnt change anything). we went to different places to shoot the video. exhausting but hopefully worth it.

what i did during this sem break? assignments. tryna catch up with whatever. especially with family. ive been so occupied with life in uni. when i got home, i do ma work and sometimes i just stayed in ma room doing ma work and not interact with ma family at all. which is sad but i cant blame maself for that. when the work needs to be done, it has too. so i wanted to make it up during this break. i did actually balance. as a result i have not finish ma work, not even nearly done. i have 6 of them to finish by this month. not that im complaining. i can handle this bullshit cause its ma life. i can always trust maself to get it done on time. so moving on, besides that, been busy with choir club so far even during the break. the've perform twice already. *claps* shall perform very soon again. i wasnt part of the singing but thats not important i guess.

on thurs i went to seri Qlap mall to watch movie with ma sistas. 'i am number 4'. goodness gracious. its ma ultimate favourite now. couldnt ask for a better actor. its a very cool movie indeed. since then, ive dreamt of alex pettyfer 2 days in a row. *laughs* felt like a cougar again. now i cant believe most of the hawt dudes are younger than me. i have this thing about younger dude. NOT MA TYPE! i want someone older than me by probably 2 years and same age as me but older. but most of them are just younger. this is so unfair. regardless..it wont hurt a woman to dream *laughs*

i noe ma topics here are random but anyways...ma mum woke me up this morning at 8am knowing its ma 2nd last day of sem break. ma brain refuse to wake up but i guess something pull me up. mum wanted me to bring her somewhere so i did, after that she ask me to bring her to kiulap. i waited more than an hour in the car while she have some work to do. it was 10+am by then. pick ma sista up at PTEM. (god noes how long the road were) waited for her and went to huaho mall for food..waited again..went home...continue sketching ma work. slept a bit. tonight just got a call that ma grandma will celebrate her bday. it was suppose to be tmlw but i guess they change their mind. the thing is we have plan. our family outing but i guess we have to cancel that. im on a verge of getting upset but i mean theres nothing i can do to change it. god i wish to not be living at this kampong. everyone noes everyones business. people should just mind their fucking business..one day im outta this town.

ma neck hurts badly...shit~

i wont give up

2011-02-17T21:33:00.000-08:00

to ma girls :*)

Where did it all went?

2011-02-15T01:26:00.001-08:00

damn it~ theres gotta be more to life than this. im simply like a friend. i cant keep doing one thing all the way. i like challenges. i complaint about it because it will get hard and challenges are hard. who say its not? i know exactly what im looking for. i noe exactly what i want but the problem here is im not sure where to begin. theres alot of assignments to be done at the moment but im procrastinating. as im reading this marketing article, i felt like ma body is there one moment and the next thing i felt like im staring at ma body reading. as i look at maself reading, i hate me. doing all the same thing everyday. went uni- discuss-do ma work- went home-eat-do work-online and sleep. always the same routine. its pathetic.

ma sista and i were arguing and over analyzing the situation in Brunei about job opportunities. now i cant go on detail about it because i might get arrested but ma point here is. when we were children, we have all this ideas of what we want to be when we grew up. either a doctor, a lawyer and so forth and sure we might not know anything back then since we were just kids. we didnt mean what we said. as we grew older, we got lost and we said we want to be a rockstar, a singer and a housewives? we are the generation of people that should start the change. we are suppose to be the people to be daring and take risk and not settle to work in an office cubicle (such a nightmare to me). we are educated, aware of the world around us. we are suppose to put that to practice/experience. we're not suppose to just sit around and hope for the normal. we are extra-ordinary creative generation but right here, such opportunities are not really given so we settle down and as long as we have money, its enough.

let me ask you this "where did all the dreams go? why gave up?" im tired of looking at everyone around me and receiving such terrible services because people hate what they are doing. they are just like robots. they are not motivated and not passionate about what they do. do you really want to wake up everyday and hate your job? and your life? how can you settle to that? we are job makers not seekers. so create something original. be brave and take a step. heck i cant. im still taking ma degree but to those Bruneians who is not studying anymore, start small, you'll get there. dont just settle down for money. dream big.

those people who demotivate you have no clue what you are capable of, dont be just like them. we are so much better than that. its a scary step ofcourse to start something without experience but within that bravery of taking that step, you'll experience a whole lot and sometimes you might wish to quit and gave up because it will get harder but remind yourself that it is YOU who tell YOU that you cant make it. dont let yourself believe that you cant.

the world is a big place. opportunities is everywhere so dont stop trying.

anyways i forgot to congratulate ma lil ONLY sista who pass her Olevel exam with flying colours. dont be a bitch now. form 6 is pretty tough. goodluck with that :)

fucking perfect

2011-02-13T18:05:00.000-08:00

ma ultimate favorite song of the year. always love pink :) shes so amazingly talented :)

angry+disappointed

2011-02-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

i have been busy with uni lately. sometimes i get too exhausted physically that i just decided to skip lectures. especially in the morning. im definitely not a morning person but i know its not an excuse to miss out. theres alot of assignments to be done but i havent started any of it yet because the due date is sorta far from now. i decide to not stress maself out to start with any. i just have to say how much i hate this dude from ma class motion graphic. we call him shaker. apparently he thought making shakes is a talent. totally ridiculous. i so do not pity him in anyway. why should i? all he ever does was make ma life a living hell. one thing that i wouldnt even dare let anyone ruin is ma work. if ma gpa and grades are affected because of him. hes dead to me. im not kidding. i struggle ma arse to get to where i am today and i know im not the only one who struggle so i would not let some random idiotic silly dude to affect ma work. i hated the fact that he refuse to listen to anyone of us because he thinks that his idea matters the most and that we have to follow his foot step. absurd?

seeing his face makes me sick to ma stomach. im not even trying to be funny right now. he disgust me. i felt torture last sem being in the same group as him. all i wanted was out but i have no choice. i have to face him every week on ma on. luckily this time i have a friend who got ma back. otherwise, i'll riped his heart out right there and thn. i will not tolerate any more of his bullshit. so we did the only thing we could. we finish up the work without him. majority wins right? screw that dick!

ive missed out an outing with some old friends simply because i have tones to do and im no where near done. o we started a choir club which at first i thought was a good idea because i love to sing and i simply enjoy singing on ma own and if its with a group, theres no pressure. its suppose to be fun. the first meeting was a disaster. im happy the fact that alot manage to attend but there was no plan. everything was everywhere. how can you raise this club on public and expecting people to join when you have no basic clue on how to be in a choir? i mean yes its a good idea but really? its crazy. i have just probably 1% knowledge of being a choir member so i have nothing to say maself but seeing the choir club goes down before it begun was really sad. tho i hope for better because i really wanted it to work out so im giving maself a reason to believe that it'll be better.

the saddest part was? noone was making an effort to be friends outside their comfort zone. they stayed with their own clicks and practice probably just amongst themselves. i stood there staring at them being one of the person with position, i wanted to walk out maself seeing them like that. it breaks ma heart. i remember choir was about family, making an effort to bond, to have an agreement, stress free and most of all HAVE FUN! heck, they didnt even want to sing, they wanted to be part of the club but they refuse to sing on public. does that even make sense? there weren't any energy and body movement. it felt like dead people singing. i cant help it. i know it might take time to bond and to not be shy to sing in public so i guess i should stay with that thought for a while so i would not get angry everytime im that room with them. having self control is the hardest part of being me. -_-"

are you beautiful?

2011-02-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

growing up i watch ma dad got the respect he gets from letting everyone fear him. he constantly own the whole room if he walks in. i wonder why. soon after i realized that because everyone fear him, he was respected everywhere by everyone. unfortunately, its in ma gene. it doesnt have to be but last night got me thinking that in order for you to get respect is for you to respect other people as well but i have the tendency to be extremely rude even as i walk, i held ma head high, ignoring everyone around me and if i caught them staring, i simply roll ma eyes 360 degrees at them for no apparent reason. it just happen. i couldnt control it but after thinking about how long this has been happening, i realized how sad and how big ma ego and pride are. it doesnt make me a beautiful person inside and out.

i hate acting like it but after all this years, people fear me to the extend that they didnt even want to talk to me but thats not respect. its more like im unfriendly and nobody wants to approach someone like that. hell i dont even want to be friends with me. ma point here is- i dont wanna be that person anymore! because of the ideology i had of ma dad, i acted that way and thought its the only way to be respected. i hated people to look down at me and to take advantage of me so i grew up being angry and refuse to take bullshit into ma hands. what i should have been doing is to forgive, try to forget, listen, understand, try to change, stop being rude and reduce ma ego. ive been so focus trying to achieve change when i should have look at maself first inorder to start change

it is i who have to change. it is i who have to look the world in the eye and believe i am better than that. i dont want the now people to remember me as the bitter old woman who is so angry at the world. i used to be that person, i didnt even realize it. i will not let it define me. im so tired of bad mouthing people who pist me off even with a smallest mistake. i called them 'Buduh' which means stupid alot but mostly its ma expression that showed alot of racist and rude comments. im done with that. its cruel. im cruel and yes looking at the mirror and all ma pictures, it is one heck of an ugly woman.

so i apologize to everyone that ive hurt. im simply cruel because of how cruel people have treated me back when i was a child and i guess i was tired of it and follow ma dad's step but im an individual independent woman who is open to change. i will not follow that step anymore because im more educated and more aware of how i should be acting so im willing to challenge maself to be beautiful inside and out from now. would you?

hello friend

2011-02-01T02:53:00.000-08:00

been meaning to blog about this but didnt really have the time to do it. im suppose to be downstairs since ma mum just call me up to eat dinner but im having a bad tummy flu at the moment. i should stay away from food for a while. or maybe not. so the other day, a friend of mine decide to treat all us girls to eat out and unfortunately some of us feel that it was a wrong timing. it wasnt to me regardless of the none stop raining and i have never been under the rain that much. i seriously believe everything inside me felt sick. but with long and layers of blankets, thankfully im all better :)

everyone deserve to be angry at some point in their life even if it means to people they love, doesnt matter your friends boyfriends or girlfriends. its bound to happen. we misunderstood each other sometimes because we speak different language. noone can really understand us but ourselves. what i dont get was how come people can be really selfish to try to make us understand. to distant yourself and make us feel guilty is no way to make us understand. that is you pushing us away tryna make everything about you. we are all in this together. its a simple NO to say. it might not be simple to you but thats you're choice to make it hard. it wasnt.

yes life is a drama but it doesnt have to be. you hated it so i make sure its nowhere near you. we've been too careful to learn from our mistakes everyday and tried to change so we wont hurt anyone of us. why cant you? i dont hate you. its nothing like that. its more of how you handle the situation that makes it unacceptable. sure be angry but was it fair for us? as friends, we were willing to let it go but a simple apology is all i need because that was no way to treat friends. we deserve better than that.

regardless of how you treat us, we're not going anywhere. this friendship will last because we care that much to just let you walk alone.

discovery year -_-

2011-01-30T20:56:00.000-08:00

the purpose of this discovery year was to allow people to experience first hand in whatever field that they want to succeed at. it sounds simple but the process of going through it is crazy. people are trying to do better than last semester but with all this form that we have to hand in by this wed gave us no more time to think carefully of what we want to do or where we want to do it. i might have made ma decisions but i have not really thought about where i want to do it. it gives me absolutely no time to decide. which actually scares me because its finally happening. i was happy before but theres so much to think about but at the moment i just want to increase ma gpa and do extremely better. i have goal and i have the right mind to set that goal and reach it. i refuse to give any more excuses to why i shouldnt do it. fear has nothing over me. i have overcome that a long time ago. its time to take that scary step and all i needed all this while was a time to believe.

ive always complaint to ma friends and family especially to ma sistas how unfortunate i can be and argue to the core how wrong ma dad can be. he believe so much that i was able to do and go anywhere if i set ma mind to it. i said sky is never the limit because we have limitation but the more i thought about it. it somehow make sense to me now. we should never have given up on what we want to accomplish. we should never feel like we are never enough. we should have never even consider of feeling defeated. you just have to have a little faith and hope because it can happen. theres so many ways to reach that goal. giving up is not an option anymore. for the first time of ma life, i found happiness. i felt it...its so great. i have a big opportunity. i hope i made the right one. i guess ma dad was right all along. i need patience and to believe that i am capable.

moving on..had a lovely late lunch with friends yesterday. thank you qiddy for treating us KFC. that was the bomb:) i had such an amazing time with them. somehow i seem to lose maself at that moment simply because i saw a cousin of mine whom mother just pass away. it sadden me because of the lost of ma nini bungsu. al fatihah. :S kept reminding me how empty it felt so i was abit down. anyhow..this mon will be the presentation we've been waiting for. hopefully everything will go well. amin.

*breathe*

briefing

2011-01-26T02:53:00.000-08:00

had a LONG UNECESSARY briefing this afternoon. what i dont get was that, one of the supposedly lecturer showed a picture of gennext. now everyone of us knew what that was. a girl releasing the white birds to the sky. its really lame and irrelevant. what was it for? to show us that sky is the limit. BULLSHIT~ the person who invented those motivation statement should really die! we have limitation. we push we pull and we strive but if its not enough? than we're should go from there? how is sky is the limit? as long as you dont give up? till when? ure old. BULLSHIT!! the talk helps NOONE! increase competition and insecurity. thats what it does.

on a contrary, i did had fun with ma gurls. its been a long hard weeks. it wouldnt hurt to laugh once in a while. its the first time in a long time that all of us manage to group up again. :)

campus

2011-01-24T06:34:00.000-08:00

been having some weird but amazing dreams lately. it started probably a week ago but im not complaining. i was living the dream and some were quite strange because i have never thought of committing to a dude before but in that dream, strangely it seems so real. im not gonna go detail on what that dream were. lets just say, it felt calm and free.

its already been the 3rd week of uni. having to be on campus 24/7 is tiring since alot of us have atleast a day without class but unfortunately, i have lectures everyday and i couldnt change it so i have class EVERYDAY. the timing is even worst but i'll get by. i have alot of assignments especially motion graphic. the hardest part was downloading the software that was needed. until now you could say im a bit lost but hopefully sooner i'll get it. tommolw the guys and i are going to do some field research. hope that works out. hopefully along the way, i'll get to know this people better cause i think i can only work with people i know so im in no position to judge yet.

im gonna start drinking alot of coffee again to stay up. the thing is, i know i'll be just fine if i have to face this world alone. i'll be just fine to watch everyone leave but i'll find a way to survive. i have exactly 3 years left of school. that is including ma master. after that no more uni, it'll be time to create maself. make a mark in this world even if it means i have to do it alone. i mean think about it, it doesnt really have to be a competition. it doesnt have to affect ma life so much. ive been so obsess trying to prove that i am that brilliant student when infact im not. i just work hard to earn everything. i am where i need to be eventually, we'll get it. its just a piece of paper that tells you, you graduated. yes i noe it's our future carrier but what if that has nothing to do with what you want to do? one thing for sure, im better than working at a stinking cubicle office.

moving on, im currently waiting for supernatural season 6 episode 11. told you i'll catch up. yesterday i spent ma whole night watching grey's anatomy. i just bought brothers and sisters. have not watch it yet. i have no idea why im telling you this. ma post gets boring everyday. i'll try posting pictures if i have some plus an interesting events in ma life. soon to come..insyallah :))

im off now. have exactly an hour before ma class start.

change

2011-01-18T19:16:00.000-08:00

it was nerve wrecking to be in the same room as you were. luckily we were miles apart but i can hear you, sense you, feel you like somehow we were breathing each others air. i closed ma eyes and pretend to avoid your presence but for 2 hours of self-control was so hard to rely on. i thought i was ready, thought i was strong enough to buried that feelings i thought was long gone. when i saw you again, i thought of how lucky she was to be in your arms, to be able to look at you and know that you belong to her. i envy the fact that she could ride with you, eat with you, walk with you and talk to you. things i could have done but was afraid that i wasnt enough. i see her perfect for you, everything about her was meant for you which makes me feel less worthy but all the thoughts that scream in ma head all this while--i'll take it back. i was wrong. im done.

i saw you so distant from your friends, your best-friend especially. you rather lose all the memories you build with this amazing people and than to spent your moment with a person who feel sorry for herself. yes everyone have their flaws but it doesnt mean you cant rise above them. after going through some rough patches in your life you're bound to be stronger but enough with feeling sorry for yourself. i remember her telling me how much she hate people feeling sorry for her when she kept on mentioning how terrible her life was. she wasnt the only one. we all got it bad but stop feeling like everyone is talking about you. you are not that important and stop the insecurity. i get why you dont trust anyone because you cant simply do it or even try.

i actually feel sorry for the both of you in so many ways. you dont need it because you both feel sorry for yourself everyday. having just each other is not enough. you are bound to feel alone and hopeless. you step away from your friends and your potential friends. thats your lost. i guess you are meant to be together and its none of ma business to make you feel less of who you are but no body really dares to say it out loud. heck if i were to, you will tell me to mind ma freaking business and it is your life. you're right! it is your life but life is about changing into a better person, to be able to correct you and simply doing the right thing. if you chose to ignore this factors..you will never be happy in life. people will simply just ignore you like you never existed and simply walk away from you forever. living life alone without friends and family? thats a death wish. your choice.

its time to change

hectic day indeed

2011-01-13T02:16:00.000-08:00

i'll promise to be more positive this year and just when i thought i could and would be, something decide to ruin me. i definitely have no self- control but it upset me to see ma future not going to the direction i hope and pray to go. its impossible because im never good enough as much as ive tried ma hardest. i can see ma friends in the airport flying of full and half sponsors by the uni and i'll probably be stuck working in Brunei. its heartbreaking. dibah remind me that everyone have exactly the same goal and everyone intend to reach that dream in every mean as possible but its not the only path. it doesnt mean that if we cant reach this dream that other dream is over-rated. maybe we can be on the top there too. life is a funny experience and its so unpredictable. it might not go as we plan but we still can succeed through another path. it doesnt make us less of a human being, it doesnt make us less smart and important.

as much as it hurts to not be given that opportunity, its not the end of the world. it is ma dream too and theres nothing i can do to change it because ive been trying and if its not enough, its not a sign to give up. because i have come a long way to get to where i am today. im not stupid! im just unfortunate at certain point in ma life. that doesnt mean im no better than you. so yes i am hurting in so many part of ma inside and out but i have to tell maself that, i still can travel. i always travel which some people might not be able to do so i should really appreciate what i have. one thing i noe for sure is hope is bullshit. giving people false hope is like lying to ths people into believing something that might not happen. what if it doesnt? everything happen for a reason? true! but its better to prepare for the worst because life can sometime be really cruel.

kpop fan girling

2011-01-09T02:31:00.000-08:00

dbsg is back. more like just homin (changmin and ma fav yunho). at first i was kind of scared to watch them perform their comeback performances because the disappearance of the other 3 that refuse to be part of them. the whole issue with them parting and Cassiopeia dividing is just hurtful to watch and even hear. afta the long period of silence from both parties, ma whole fan girling crazy mode disappear as well because i couldn't simply choose. i know i dunt have too but its hard not to. JYJ music was not so new and exciting and im not fond of Japanese music so they sign with Japanese entertainment so i cant listen to it. it bleeds ma ear. but afta watching HoMin perf a few days ago on music bank..i was speechless and proud to applaud to their hard work. both improve in dancing wise and vocal wise. i was actually crying ma eyes out watching them again because they have help me through ma life back in the days. seriously they have that big impact on me. plus they were the longest commitment i have ever willing to have. (im with non-commitment issues:)) so...watching them again brings back all the memories and it tears me up completely. sometimes i forgot how much i use to love them and it reminds me again how much i truly love them..

mv to enjoy

one of the perf from inkigayo...*standing ovation*

obsess with life? relationship?

2011-01-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

reading back ma whole blog seems frustrating. ive been fighting with faith/fate and destiny all this while. if life doesn't turn out how you plan it, it doesn't mean one day it might. here i am so obsess with trying to get ma life back to where it suppose to go and making sure i maintain this image that everyone thought is superior than anything else. which makes me more willing to do whatever it takes to get there. i control every part of ma life and i was taught since i was little that you make the decision about what goes around in your life. no one can change you but yourself so since than nothing ever stop me from changing and chasing after what i want.

im constantly searching for ways to be better for maself. to make sure i feel better about maself. for what? to guarantee happiness? theres no such thing. everything i have right now is right infront of ma eyes but i refuse to see that simply because i am that stubborn to accept how this life turns out for me. i should be really happy but i couldnt, i just cant.

relationship is another issue. i stop believing in marriage along time ago. same goes to true love. if someone loves you, that is just for a while. thn you might say, enjoy it while it lasted but no ladies and gentlemen, you wont. let me rephrase that, you will never get over it. it might take time but it'll take forever to heal. you might say i simply dont believe because ive been hurt. well youre right. its more complicated thn it is. i cant simply commit because that means you have to care about other people's heart. doesnt make sense to me. maybe because i simply dont believe that might be the cause of why true love doesnt exist infront of me. maybe you're right. ma point is, i want to believe that there is a man who doesnt cheat. he might love his girlfriend or wife but it doesnt mean he doesnt love another at the same freaking time. im just saying. this goes out to the women out there too. believe me im not one of them >:(

someday though, no one have ever try to prove me wrong so in ma case, ma theory is not wrong. so if the guy is not meant to be with you, than screw that, just say goodbye. no point in obsessing over this dude that doesnt even give a fucking damn about who you are and what you're about. theres someone out there for you. so get over it or dont start at all. im tired of criticizing relationship, it might be worth it at that moment but in a long run, you'll be crying your eyes out and maybe you might even wish to let god take your pain away. c'mon people, life is too damn short to waste it. taking a risk is a brave move. if you like someone and confessing. that i salute! if you wanted to be in a relationship, its not wrong but remember that you matter too. dont let your partner control you. so when he leave or she, you'll be stronger because you knew that you didnt depend on him all the way.

here i am again mumbling through ma words but bear with me readers, im just passionate! so time waits for no one so keep on going even if life is bullshitting you. obsessing over things, dreams and person does not guarantee you, you'll get it, just prepare yourself for the worst so you know how to be stronger at the end. you never know you might be just lucky to get it like some people i knew. in ma case- stand alone and mingle.

....

2011-01-05T01:35:00.000-08:00

i have never thought that registrations could be so complicated! i mean the system of UBD is seriously in need of assistance. if you think they know exactly what they are doing. they have no clue. here we are suffering from all this mistakes they kept making. i think the students went crazy after being told that the result was not finalize. more like it was all lies. some people might have leaked it out without permission. so now we have to wait for who knows how long for it to come out but get this, we have to register yesterday even if the results are not out yet. absurd huh? but regardless i did! so thank goodness for that. i took motion graphic. i always wanted art to be ma minor but i guess i didnt really have that intense self thought that i guess i screwed up. i miss ma chance. cant go back now. so motion graphic is sorta necessary for ma final year project maybe so i thought, i might benefit from this. hopefully!

in 4 days time ma uni will start again. am so not waiting for it. anyhow, i told maself to complain less but i just have to type this out. havent have a proper meal since forever. sometimes i ate once a day. the rest i stuff up junk food through ma throat without thinking. cant take it anymore. when uni start im definitely gonna take care of the food i consume. i know this is random but i was thinking of dying ma hair to darker colour. im done with this orange which suppose to be light brown colour hair. feels cheap and unpretty so sooner im hoping to change it. for sure it'll be darker. no more blonde OR ORANGE! hate it blergh~

yesterday i went to school, i was hoping people around me would change. to notice the side of you that is freaking annoying and try to change it. but i guess some people will never change :S

results? made it:)

2011-01-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

i woke up sweating this morning. had a nightmare about result coming out. truth be told i was right. while eating ma breakfast (yes i finally had a breakfast) switch on ma laptop and went to facebook. a friend status said none other thn that the result was out. so i quickly log in before anyone could and disappointed? maybe! i could have done better. heck everyone said that but they forgot after going through all the assignments. its tiring and towards the end all you wanted to do is decided to stop trying. i did that last sem. i was so exhausted that during the exam i just close ma eyes and hope for the best. i did improve but not too much which is kinda sad! though ma written genre is spectacular :) Dr alex thought i might not make it. screw him! :) (shall rub it on to his face) Dr chris is definitely a bitch! he assure that hard work will pay off. i work more than i sould for his course and others i left behind. but his course was the only one i was disappointed to. POINTLESS! leisure time sacrifice for what? absurd!

so im pist? pretty much! maybe i did something wrong. maybe its just not enough. had a conversation with qid this morning. she always makes me feel better about maself (thanx gurl). i discover something that i will start competing with maself and not other people because what is the point really? competing with others but at the end of the day, you'll get heartbroken and feel like you're never enough. friendship will be affected thus, i shall change. i shall try. the reason i have the tendency to compete is simply because, i spent all ma life in high school and college depending on others for work that im suppose to do. i constantly seek for answers. even if it means copying. so when uni started i vowed to maself that i shall not make that mistake and i shall be independent towards ma effort to discover ma own capabilities and how far i am able to succeed on ma own. i wanted to test ma self. even if i fail. i can tell maself that atleast that was ma work. i did it maself. so i compete because i wanna be the best i could be..its nothing personal. i just think its necessary!

New Year

2011-01-02T08:55:00.000-08:00

first of all, i would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. may this year be much less painful. just so you know i had one of the worst new year celebration ever. usually i'll be going to ma cousin's house and have little games to play, music to sing along to, fireworks to enjoy, just some crazy stuff but one of ma cousin is not feeling well equals to no party. i hope she feels better tho. amin! so, i stayed home after having dinner out with family and just watch supernatural marathon. yes i am pretty much addicted to that series. Dean is just freaking hawt.

moving on, i started of the year 2011 badly. nothing about me change as much as i want to but i guess it takes time, i cant decide to act on it immediately because it doesnt work that way. im hoping to be less angry and hungry and reduce ma ego. i realized how bad this things are. the more unforgiving i am, the more angry ive become, i have the tendency to hate on people and hold on to that grudge forever. i cant do that anymore. at the end of the day, i'll hate maself. ma hunger is another issue! i gained more weight every single day not because im bored or hungry but because i feel incomplete. i noe dreams dont come true right away, it takes time but i have this thing i felt burning inside me wanting so much to live that dream that i just kept eating to forget how ma life doesnt turns out how i plan it so it will be less painful. Ego? thats the worst! believe me...

i read Wikipedia something about Lucifer. that explain how pride is wrong. you can have pride but not too much pride. it scares me:S

im hoping for a better year this time. to be a better person in every way. im hoping i wont meet people that would only destroy me emotionally. most of all, im hoping to manage ma time wisely. now, we dont need the angry me again this year. i'll forgive, i'll forget and im definitely moving on because life is freaking too short to waste on people or things that dont really matter for long. imma enjoy ma life and im not gonna stop dreaming:) i'll get there one day.

December

2010-12-29T04:33:00.000-08:00

so i do have more pictures to upload:) mum and dad went Aussie Melbourne for 10 days so we siblings decided to have our own vacation.

Gribs Cafe:)

merry christmas:)

Japanese food-_-" must i say, not ma favourite thing:S

cinema

2010-12-29T03:11:00.000-08:00

recent movies watched! LOVE TRON legacy to the core. i think its genius! at first i have no clue what so ever about the movie and i actually tot while watching the trailer that it was LAME. i'll take that back! gulliver's travels was funny. definitely will watch it again. Narnia was great as well. the new kid was hillarious! ive been meaning to catch tangled and harry potter (deathly hollow) i noe i noe it seems late..better get the dvd soon i guess:)

Goodbye 2010 in 3 days time:)

2010-12-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

Just chilling

(credit) thank you nisa for taking this picture of me (below). i truly think its a master piece:)

The end:) say hello to 2011 in 3 days time:)

....

2010-12-28T23:10:00.001-08:00

picnic during the holiday and an attempt to surprise me for ma belated birthday. SUCCEEDED! :)

thank you guys:*)

more to come:)

...

2010-12-28T22:55:00.001-08:00

Hari Raya 2010

(location? nisa,Qadri,ma place,qid,shidah,dibah,diyanah,ijun hmmm...etc)

more to come:)

2010 Aug-Nov

2010-12-28T21:30:00.000-08:00

Year 2 in Uni

After 'understanding gender' class with shizuka

orientation for the new freshies:P

(ernaliza&ernarosaffilah)

diyanah surprise party:) afta xam?

qid&dayat surprise party during holiday:)

beach beach~

ameen's bbQ

more to come:)

2010 Jan-May

2010-12-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

long story short. this is basically what went through beginning of the year in uni. theres thousands of photos taken but, ive randomly pick these to let it tells its story:) it took a while to adjust because some people that use to matter are not part of the chapter in ma book anymore which i decided not to post any of the pictures that have them in it..so hold your horses.

first time meeting waqi

winters wonderland

first aid class

KFC

some event goin on at CLT

more to come. End of sem 2 yr 1:)

closure

2010-12-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

shia
goodbye

holiday

2010-12-23T18:32:00.000-08:00

rumour has it that our result this sem might be out during the new year. what a perfect timing! -_-" bimbo! moving on..parents have probably reach kuala lumpur by now afta sometime spending time with brotha who have just graduated from his master in Australia. Congratulation brotha. whats next phd? i dont think he wans to stop studying. that man is hungry for knowledge. so hopefully parents landed safely. AMIN!

last night as always, ma sistas and i got ourselves comfortable infront of our tv preparing to watch supernatural but somehow the disc 3 ep 9-12 stop working. it just decided to die. so there i was in rage but i couldnt do anything about it because it was late night and i couldnt go to the store and replace it. probably i'll go later. i have to. i cannot just skip the 4 episodes. ridiculous.

havent been bored yet so far. probably just a few minutes but other than that, life is occupied. ive went out with friends alot. spent alot of money on food. as always. it was fun.

what i found out was that, there wont be any party for new year this year for me and ma family including ma cusins. im not sure why. so its gonna be really dull. not that i wan to go to the party ma cusin prepare every year, its the same and its boring so i should smile and be glad with it.

speaking of new year, i think i shoud list down ma new years resolution. it never really work because once i write it down, i forgot the next day and its just the same old me with the same old routine. but i think i should try to change ma attitude to be less competitive, less sarcastic, more friendly and willing to take a risk. i shouldnt be typing it here but o well its too late and of course aim higher, work smarter and have fun. i seem to forget that every sem and i end up regretting what i could have done. *sigh*

me

2010-12-14T07:30:00.000-08:00

ive done it! *pat own back* i didnt wanna wish him but as much as im not sincere greeting him, he did wish me during ma birthday so i had to. anyways, life has been okey so far. have trouble controlling ma appetite because of boredom. i tried doing all the things that i wanted to do afta xam and surprisingly i did and so i didnt noe that it wont take up the whole december so pretty much i have only one thing left that is to finish up all ma novels that ive bought earlier this sem so im on to it. not a problem. went facebook alot in a day because i ran out of things to search on the internet so reading everyones comment of going abroad for the holiday really annoys me because im suppose to go to aussie and probably KL but instead everything is postponed. dun ask me why because i have no clue maself. its december, its snowing, its sales, i want to shop so badly. ma wardrobe is in need of an extreme make over. i just miss shopping.

i think i deserve a vacation away from this country but unfortunately, things just dont always turns out how you plan it and its okey to say whatever, i'll deal with it. moving on, for the last few days, ive done nothing but watch ma series, reading ma novel, watch alot of programs and basically pick up ma mum and send her back to work. ma usual routine before ma sista graduated.

lately, ive encounter people around me, all ages, all different type of sizes and height manage to be in a relationship. now i vow to maself that i will not get married a long time ago simply because i dunt think any guy is worth ma time. i have nothing against them or maybe i do because noone really fits ma type. i get easily turn off if theres one small error so i dun think any guy can handle me. plus im stubborn, i have to lead, i have to be listen to and i will not take shit if a guy dont respect me. i grew up observing and understanding every relationship around me even if it dont happen to me. i just noe how it feels. im afraid of commitment and i believe that relationship dun last even married couple. noone seem to ever try to prove me wrong and everytime i think someone might, i got bit by the ass again. now im 22 years old and i dun need to be older to understand anymore, the right guy might not be here right now, he might be out there somewhere but one day if he is around, im hoping he is willing to prove ma theory and ma beliefs WRONG!

addictions

2010-12-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

im stuck at home doing absolutely everything that i wanted to do. for some people they would probably tell me to get a life or to do something useful but i think doing this makes me happy and who to say im not living? im breathing am i not? so ive been watching 8 different series everyday. seasons to seasons. im following 90210, greys anatomy, brothers and sisters, vampire diaries, glee, gossip girl normally. the same season which are playing at this moment. recently ive started watching supernatural. its ashame that i started this late. wanted to watch it for so long but never get the chance. i heard season 6 is playing already but ive just begun. its sad but hopefully i'll catch up. you might probably noe by now that i am addicted to tv shows. it really doesnt matter what type. i'll watch it. unless it is boring ofcourse.

this addiction started from watching buffy the vampire slayer when i was way way a kid. that was pretty ancient. since thn i develop :) its not a bad thing. i can control it. lately, ive also started to watch the tudors. its about king henry the 8th. all his life and wives. its really interesting. dug up the history along with it. a good education/knowledge for me. who knew he had 6 wives. im on ma last season that is season 4. but bare in mind, theres no censor from nudity but i simply close ma eyes and pretend to not see and listen. its disgusting. :S

above it all, vampire diaries is by far ma favourite. i have this thing about creatures and different species :) i noe thats weird but its interesting. mortality is power. im just saying plus all the actors in the series is pretty damn hawt. im not kidding. watch it yourself. i dun bluff. especially, michael trevino. he is ma dream man. he doesnt even have to try. candice and him should be together. seriously. i couldnt even get ma eyes of the salvator brothers. you have no idea what i did just to watch this series when it began. recheck every sec in youtube for someone to upload it thn i'll started to get use to it. now i noe when and what time to check. since the show was made, ma obsession began again :)

picnic-pantai muara

2010-12-05T18:49:00.000-08:00

driving in the morning is always not ma favorite thing so i decided to follow diyanah to the beach while picked up qid, shidah and dibah along the way. we had to walk from the entrance to the end of the hut to get a place. unfortunately, some people had woken up pretty early to get the first few huts. it was uncomfortable especially when those construction workers live there just beside the public toilet. its not a place to build your home bimbo. we were scare to death. thank goodness we have 3 boys with us. otherwise, i'll probably just sit on the grass enjoying the flies around ma ears...ewww

moving on, while walking on the sand with dibah and diyanah, we had a good scream and when i came back to the hut to wash ma feet. ma friends surprises me with a cake along with a Happy Birthday song. i didnt expect it. they got me this time. i was really touch, i shed a few tears but lets forget about that. we've taken alot of pictures, i'll try uploading it, probably next time. it felt like ages. we see each other during the sem and talk but its always about assignments and have you done this or dat. but this time, its different. we just laugh and bully each other like we use to (i miss those moments--really!)

i took this picture (yes thats me) while having ma emo moment at the beach:)

a message from me to you:

thank you for the cake qid..tiramisu is ma favourite. heaven taste! to fatin (qid sis) thank you for the sweet packet. i just finish it HAHHA. dibah..i love the pressie. the birthday song, truly appreciate it.

thank you diyanah for letting me ride with you. those heart to heart conversation with dayat, diyanah and qidah....was wishing for it not to end but i guess ma dad is always in the way...

regardless..i love it!

moving on...we actually took off early and send the gurls home. but instead before sending qid home, we decided to have a long talk (it was not plan) till 7+pm. we just talk in the car with one light on just the 3 of us. miss those days :)

ma day was complete. was suppose to have dinner out after dat but i was force to go home. its ridiculous. im not a kid anymore. god dammit! so we decided to have lunch today but i couldnt go because i think ma brother have a plan to bring us somewhere.

all in all...it was worth it...havent have that much fun in a long time :)

insecurity

2010-12-03T02:33:00.000-08:00

i prefer to have someone listen to me than talking to me. if we have two people who talks alot, its impossible to hear each other. this is just cause i am talkative as well. maybe too much that i think even ma friends wish i could just shut the hell up. but i wont do that, they'll put up with it. thats why they are a bunch of awesome people :)

moving on..recently ive made a friend, someone i hope to never get close to because i see no reason why i should. kept giving maself excuses to not give this person the chance to even stare at ma face. ive heard his name around before but ive never seen him infront of ma eyes. when ma friends suggested to try to let him in just because they felt sorry for him for losing all his friends. as much as i neglected it because of what happen, i dun see how it will ever work. regardless, i tried. i befriended him, unfortunately we end up in the same class. at first i tried to stay away because everytime i look at him, he reminds me of the one i use to really care about. so i look away. everytime being with him, ma heart slowly dies.

the gurls have no idea how hard it was for me to be with him everyday and imagining what could have been. it was a torture. seeing someone you truly care about in the arms of someone else. it kills me. one day i just try. slowly talking to him, getting to noe him, its difficult to not like him. he could be annoying to the core but im not looking for perfections. i like him the way he is. thats the irony. we started to noe each other a little bit better. every thing was fine. i let go. i took him in and make him ma friend. being with him, i cant picture the other anymore which i tot was a well done progressed.

yesterday, he posted something on through our wall. now, i noe how insecurity felt like. we all have it differently but to judge ma friends and ma friendship is a huge turn off. now he could have posted it publicly if he wants to insult other people but no, he posted it at OUR wall to insult us. that is a sign of him doubting our friendship. after all we have done. taking him in, all the things i was willing to do for him, all the things that i have to fight for just to not think of him as a person i would truly despise. its definitely an easy thing to walk away from, doesnt make an impact in ma life. if hs gone, i wont mind. its been great noeing him because hs different n i like that. recently having to experience some bitches in your life gave you no right to think we are as well. we're not like that. we dont pretend. its either yes or no. thats it.

its definitely hard for them gurls tho. the things they have done for me. i truly appreciate it but i can do it maself now. im over it. i prefer to not have that person infront of me tho and i was okey having him as a friend. the lover i meant. it use to be painful and noeing him makes it a little better. its just truly disappointing the fact that he doubted our friendship. we dont pretend to be someone's friend. we 're not that type of people. we never hated him. i just prefer to stay away from him because its too awkward and ma gurls are just being true friends to protect me. hate? its a powerful word indeed. use it wisely because we can just walk away. its not that hard!

freedom

2010-12-01T17:22:00.000-08:00

i declare the start of my holiday---today :)) it rain heavily last night. its not that i cant drive at night while it rain, my car doesnt do justice with it. all the car that pass by ma car kept on splashing the puddle of water through ma wind shield. it scared the hell out of me. i was driving 50km/h. which bare in mind, i have never done. it was really scary. luckily there was a parking space few feet away from the chancellor hall, i was having ma own horror movie and music video while walking under the rain with ma umbrella and having all the puddle of water splash through ma kain. but i continue walking regardless. it was kinda nice :) the xam was bareable. shidah and i dance our freedom dance afta the xam end. it was perfect. im so glad its over, im having dim sum this morning to celebrate later. i have to take a shower first.

just received a message from diyanah about planning on having a picnic before Qidah going KL and diyanah going UK. it sadden me without them. come home soon gurls. "lifes a bitch without you." moving on..its DECEMBER 1st today. its an amazing feeling to be able to survive in a class where there is a woman that you could never thought you could be friends with, having to deal with all that boys that make your life a living hell, in class to see everyone speak diff language n surprisingly they tend to be so good at it, make you feel less worthy, in a class where lecturers kept mocking you (yes you-- dr chris & dr alex) who makes ma life more challenging. -_-" in class full of freshies that think they are better because they speak out. that doesnt make you any better than me. all those torture of thinking you are alone. its all over now.

i think this semester is the hardest sem so far. i was willing to sacrifice ma leisure again just to push up ma gpa, ma grades and ma confidence. people dont really understand why ive been acting such a bitch this sem. i was hardly friendly and abit easily annoyed and annoying. i get that ma friends might find that simply excruciating and i noe its not an excuse but as friends i think, i hope they have the inner ability to forgive ma attitude of selfishness, unfriendly attitude, all the things that i complain about and the hurtful things i think might be offensive. this sem was the hardest to control ma feelings because everything around me was a pressure. to be on top, to succeed, lecturers stating high standards, to keep competing so i wont be demotivated because i can easily be. i truly apologies to ma friends and colleagues. i was afraid that i might not just survive.

but luckily with focus comes determination. even if i can get really disappointed and hard on maself--that was me noeing that i am better than that and i was not looking for people to say its okey and that it doesnt matter because it does. i live ma life base on success and i have to succeed to feel happy. that was just how i was taught since i was little so dont judge me. tho i am trying to not make it as the only thing because life is too short to be burden with this whole ideology of what happiness to me is. so im hoping along the way, i'll be able to see that and learn from each other (from ma friends i meant):) its been a very tough sem indeed.

exam fever

2010-11-27T17:39:00.000-08:00

its been such a lazy week for me. not that im saying i didnt study because i did and its not study hard but perhaps smart. (i think i prefer this definitely) it doesnt make me sweat or nervous. more or less prepare. so okey ive been struggling to be motivated..yesterday since i had an exam at night...i was laughing on ma way to ma sit in the Chancellor hall. dr alex saw me and said out loud for everyone to hear 'o errrr-na you wont be laughing later'. i was like '*mouth turn down* tanx sir..im truly motivated (sarcastically)' thn people start laughing. he is truly annoying. his other favourite job is to mock me. *sigh* sir sir..tsk tsk. get a life :))

it was scary to drive alone at night especially to uni because not only was it far, it was dark. i was one of the earliest person to park at the parking lot while everyone else fought for the parking space upstairs. which turns out fulled. so i was unlucky. funny thing was, while i was doing ma exam, this guy sat beside me pressured and scratching his head over and over again, eating and doing all sort of things but not his exam paper. he kept looking at ma direction. im like "seriously dude, do your work, such a distraction" so i didnt say that to him but silently. i guess he was stress cause he have no clue. i work to damn smart for this paper so i wasnt willing to screw it up. :) so i ignored him :)

in the morning yesti woke up probably at 6am. i had another morning exam. torture? yes it was. but i wanted to eat breakfast with ma family so i went with it. it was a scary tot to have your stomach growling in a totally silent room. not a good idea so i ate that morning and it works. korean exam was alright. i did everything i probably could so as the rest of the previous exams. ma last will be this tues 30th sept. everyone around me are already celebrating. sigh**

im not use to planing ahead for the holiday but this time i have that much time to think about it. i decided to have a supernatural marathon and probably do some cleaning ma room and redecorate it. its really nasty. im not kidding. ma room i meant. so i have to quit letting the internet distract me. have to study now. have about 2 days to be precise for this last exam to study. :(

high school

2010-11-20T05:57:00.000-08:00

tomorrow will be the start of my nightmare. its really unfortunate that all the exam schedule changes because everything clashes among each modules. its a pity for the rest of the people. thank goodness thats over with. moving on, i was not gonna tell anyone about this but in order to tell you the reason why i blog right now, i have to. as i sat in front of the television after so long committed to my books. so im not gonna lie, i did sit in front of the tv WITH ma book but regardless, ma sista went to changing the channel and ends up watching high school musical 3. im not really fond of it esp vanessa hudgens. i just dont think shes talented at all. its pretty annoying listening to her voice. ma head hurts. moving on, while i sat there thinking about high school, all my high school memories came flashing back to me. i miss ma friends, the laughter and the tears we shed together. it was worth it because my high school days were a blast. ofcourse there were bad days but its so easy to look pass it because its once in a life time experience

one thing i regret though. i always wonder what it feels like to go to the prom. i know its not our culture and it is influence by the popular culture but watching movies growing up, you sorta have the tendency to wonder. it looks exciting and to be able to dress up and feel amazing about yourself like you're not invisible. its a great feeling. i love dressing up, just never get the chance to do it back in the days. i remember ma best friends and i promise to go to the prom togetha even if we dont have a date. she insisted to dress like a man and i on the other hand of course the lady. but i broke that promise. they went. i didnt. i also remember ma 2 guy buddies asked me to the dance but i didnt go either. i guess i will never know how it feels like. it is too bad o.0

competing

2010-11-18T08:08:00.000-08:00

i should be revising i know that but theres something that needs to be said so this morning i had an intense revision with friends of written genre. i feel very much glad that i finally get a clue. thanks to them i guess i know what this module requires.

moving on, a friend of mine pointed out a very good suggestion. what is that you may ask. that we shouldnt compete but share everything in regards to knowledge. to work together. i love working with ma friends and sharing especially is worth it but i have this habit of competing and theres nothing i could do to stop it. why? by competing im motivated. im able to not be lazy and procrastinate. also, im able to test ma own capabilities and learn so many things if i compete. being lazy is not in ma nature. it felt like i committed a sin if i behave that way. but sometimes i feel like im being lazy..after sometime looking back at it, that was me giving maself a break which i truly deserve. we all deserve to rest once in a while but i dont know why i feel wrong and guilty everytime i do it.

back to the suggestion. im not fond of working with people either. if i were to be given a choice to either work solo or group, usually i rather work alone simply because i have went through some tough rollercoaster regarding working with people that are not only hard to trust, not doing their work, depending on me alone, expecting me to do everything and passing the deadline. all this above are not ma favorite things. i hated to go through that again. i could only handle to lead if i were to be in a group or work alone. you could say i am very unfortunate.

strange thing is, im slowly learning to hear people out, to take in their views and opinions not as to attack them or to oppose to it all the time but to accept and learn from it. having these friends of mine, they are able to open ma mind and heart by making me see that its not always about me and that you can learn from other people too and what they say can be right too but i cannot guarantee you that i can work with strangers. ma friends yes but otherwise might take a little bit more time.

tired

2010-11-12T07:49:00.001-08:00

ive been spending alot of money lately. to survive in uni since i stayed sometimes till late. plus make more baju kurung out of ma will for wedding ceremonies, uni etc. its annoying. its hard to save up especially when you have sistas. sigh~

moving on. i had ma korean written test this morning. im not sure how i feel about it but it was difficult as always. here i tot in languages esp if its not our mother tongue, its okey to make mistakes because it does not require perfections but i doubted maself regardless. believe me noone wans to have ma self confidence cause i dunt have one. this is just another day when i feel defeated. i studied for it and this mon is another oral exam. im always hitting the books. usually i'll be able to stay up till 4am the least but now i can barely open ma eyes. :S

im so exhausted. o yea..yesterday was ma dad's birthday. didnt get him anything because i didnt have the time to go out and find the perfect gift. i was too busy in uni and doing ma work that i almost forgot. so unacceptable. at night, we ate at nyonya. it was beyond marvelous. we had fun. plus this aftanun i ate KFC while doing ma work. im actually suppose to start revising but o wait i am~ in a way. hav to hit the bed now. i cant even focus as i am typing this. sooo tired~