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Thursday, December 24, 2009
will do better! i went to ma uni to collect ma socio essays-2 of em'..n i could have done better..its so upsetting when you hear ppl around you are just proud and happy after having done last min work but managed to get A's and B's..its excruciating!! but i'll definitely will kick sum major asses next semester!! D and C is definitely nuthing to be proud about~  i feel absolutely guilty and upset right at ths moment! well because i saw 'HER' today and i thought of grabing whatever that luks sharp and slap her with it immediately..i didnt expect to see them..but i did! i hate her to the core that its not even smthing to laugh about..but she was being helpful and nice to me..its strange to the point where i forgot why i was mad in the first place..its like i hv forgiven her...just because she was being nice to me..isnt it strange? i hate-hating people but i cant help it..but now the sense of guilt are surrounding me and its annoying..maybe its just me..or mayb im being paranoid or over-reacting..afterall, i can be like that smtimes..im not sure if i shud forgive her but she deserve it!! not that she hav any clue dat im talking abt her.. im better everyday; 4:48 AM Sunday, December 20, 2009
i finally took the step years ago i told maself that if only i could change and if only people around me makes it easier to take that step..ma life would be so much better and happier...but it was impossible when everything around me seem to bring me down and upset me..so i decided maybe one day..i shall take that one step... the older i get, it gets harder..i realised now that it wasnt that hard to make a decision..when things finally are in places, everything are so clear and easy..i make a vow not to get upset immediately instead to look at it in'a bigger picture..to understand instead of judging and assuming..im more calmer that way...i try ignoring the factors that would bother me and take it in and appreciate..just when things are better, happier and easier..just when i finally took that step..finally smiling after years of hating even looking at ur own self-relection....everything came crashing down...people you used to trust are just people that try to destroy you...people you adore are ignorant and i remmber telling maself years ago that i shall not smile o greet noone o be friendly to anyone...i was that heartless...just because everyone around are fake people..and i refused to let them break me..i was right and i was wrong...not everyone are like that.. one thing for sure..i could never allow maself to be 100% happy because in the end i will end up crying..but ive learnt that these groups of girls that i met since i started ma uni..they'll risk their life to save you from your misery and they might even take a bullet for you...ive learnt to trust, to love, to appreciate and to care after 3 years of losing absolutely everything in your life~ they have no idea how much they had save ma life...but gurls you did and i thank god above that ive met you--:') im better everyday; 1:30 AM Tuesday, December 15, 2009
indecisive i get it...its so clear to me...i need not rush anything..i told maself im not expecting anything so why am i upset al da time? maybe i am expecting sumting otherwise it wont hurt dat much....it got ma heart from the very start and i dun believe it might change so..i'll just wait and see.. im better everyday; 12:57 AM Monday, December 14, 2009
i lost ma sense of sanity im in the state of *emo mode* again...i tried avoiding being alone so i could stop thinking about basically him~ its definitely not cool when your world revolves around what he does and what he said..at ths moment i think its save to say i hate me! i went to bed early last night..because well its a special day for him today..i just cudnt bare the thoughts of having no courage to wish him~ lame huh? but i did~ silently tho' stop pitying me..i alreadi did dat... last night i practically had the worst inner debate ever with maself! i told me that- why the heck am i holding on ths long...well its not dat long but for me its dat long..i min, am i waiting for one day he'll feel da same way? dats just wrong and not possible!! ive never been proven wrong for ths fact so im always right...do i actually believe that one day he might? its pathetic! everytime i talk about him to ma sistas they literally roll their eyes 360 degrees and said he dun deserve it..well ofcourse i defended him silently..its just freaking hard alright!! just a few mins ago i went n watch 'Jennifer's Body' ! megan fox reminds me of Shia and the movie was about cannabalism..coincidence? its interesting tho' but i dun believe in signs wat so ever..its just ridiculous... im better everyday; 11:57 PM Sunday, December 13, 2009
Gotta Get Next To You thanks to qidy..everything is cuming back to me..(gurl i still love ya but why woman~why?) so we were chatting about everything dat needs to be talk about..than she asked me to listen to a song and so i downloaded it..i realised ive heard da song oleadi but wat makes ths song so extra-ordinary is that--"HE" listen to da song when he was online and qid listened to it as well and told me about it..i happened to always sees him listening to up-beat type of songs and never once a ballad song..so wen ma gurl told me this..i cant help it--i felt sad!! i noe im lame but im a human being..i feel stuff...even the weirdest things...plus..da song represent me in so many ways..how i cudnt sleep til morning just thinking about him...i just gotta get next to him..its insane..i feel like im obsses..am i? its too late for that now..I AM!! i need him..col me crazy but i du..as qid said "we goddesses do not gv up" so i wont!! i wasnt planning to tho' i was up all night downloading all types of random songs...every songs i listened to seem to relate to me all da time (terasa bnar!) !! it was excruciating...it gotten deeper and deeper..plus i was watching ths movie "Angus, Thongs and perfect snogging"...- its so wonderful wen he quoted "youre perfect to me"---i literally scream to ma lungs---i definitely need therapy right now...o lord!! well enough about him~ i noe im pathetic and sad..its too late to change!!;p went out wit ma sista. ma only purpose was to spend as much as i cud..because well as u probably can tell by now..im kinda in a stress mode** so i bought all ths stuff..i dun regret it tho..you dun need to noe wat i bought but its useful for ma being~ and i went home late afternun as usual..Oooo yeah before i fogot..a friend of mine is leaving ths 28th dec to abroad..ausie? to further her studies..its upsetting..as much as i wan to be happy for her..we were suppose to go togetha before..but since i got rejected fo scholar as well as she...but her dad decided to send her off anyway..poor me!! i guess i wud neva noe at ths moment how it feels to be independent outside ALONE!! but im thankful anyways wer i am right now..:) im better everyday; 12:33 AM Friday, December 11, 2009
ure a bitch and ure dead to me!! so okey i think its just plain stupiiddd to be all emo abt a certain person...alryt so wat-- i got a fragile heart..too small n breakable..it wont matter in the end anyways...so im just bored to death at ths moment n im just gonna babble about random stuff.. theres ths person whom i just hate to the core..at first wen i met her..it was alright and ma gurls likes her and accepted her to b part of us just like that..n so i just accept her too..--so think abt this for a moment--i didnt even noe her...shes related to me btw..fleshinnBlood~ yea believe it..as the semester goes on..i started seeing her true colors..she thinks shes ol dat..wen she wanted to start a conversation with me..you could totally tell dat she thinks she is better than me by miles and that i feel so small and not worthy...she makes me feel like shit!! after the semester end...i realised that everytime anyone talks about her o even with the mention of her name..i felt as if sumthing inside me started to boil and just evaporates automatically...ma body temperature just cudnt help itself but to feel ABSOLUTE anger towards her....o yea get ths, i praise her abt how she luks and so does uthers--the next thing u noe...she was being a bitch abt it and continued with ths so-called new style~ its pretty much annoying....pulesss!! plus....she thinks everyone adores her....REALITY CHECK~ I DUNT!!! GET thiss again...wen ma sista passed by her...she luk at her as if she dunno her...helloooo pay some damn respect..shes way older and duh!~ ure related atleast salam kah o smile..if its dat hard..why not cut o just bite ur head off right there n dn...like as if its dat hard to smile!!! wat a bitch right???? its ridiculous....wen i see her..i felt like murdering her..im not kidding....so wat we're related...it doesnt make it any difference~ i pretended to go along everyday because ma gurls doesnt seem to mind abt that side of her but i cudnt help it..i ignored it completely but i guess im too damn fed up with ds human...im just gonna released it..and she thinks she noes me..puless..im so hard to figure out n she thinks that by assuming thats how i am--dat makes it real and valid?? does dat make sense to you??? NOWAY right? its pathetic~ i duno how the hell im gona survive ma anger wen i see her next semester...i tot i buried ma anger long ago but i guess its her damn fault for bringing me back~i aint tolerating anymore...*breathing hard* i have neva met any person who makes me feel less of maself until she came along...i felt stupid, boring, pathetic, hopeless, useless and ugly beyond to the core...and it doesnt matter who she is but shes dead to me...>:( screwed u bitch~ kalau terasa baik!! im better everyday; 11:59 PM Thursday, December 10, 2009
End Of the Line  All alone I wait for youAs darkness fills this room I don't know why you ain't called Little things you used to do They're no longer part of you Seems you left them all behind Well, I can't believe what I'm going through This thing, it just ain't right Your selfish ways How you carry on Some things you just can't hide * (If you want me to go) Then say it (Want me to stay) Then show it (Don't be afraid, ooh) Oh don't break this heart of mine Now's the time if I'm right Then we've come to the end of the line ** So say it (Want me to stay) Then show it (Don't be afraid) Oh, don't break this heart of mine Now's the time, if I'm right Then we've come to the end of the line (Ohh, oh yeah) Seems like I can't do you right All I do or say is wrong All the smallest things criticised I deserve some damn respect Nothing more and nothing less Don't pretend everything's fine (Ooh) Don't hold it back If it's in your heart Stand up and be a man (Ooh) Can't read your mind So I'll just say it loud I'm trying to understand [Repeat * , **] Even though you've doing me wrong I still care Do you think that by treating me cruel That somehow I'll disappear? (Ooh) Baby I love you too much just to walk away (Ooh) Don't make me hate you Baby you've got to be straight (aah)  end of the line- honeyz im better everyday; 11:50 PM |
